Sparks |Levi Ackerman Werewolf AU|

Fear and Pain

How much time had ticked by? Sitting alone on my bed in this quiet apartment with nothing but my thoughts and the melancholy air around me – I had no clue. The tears had finally stopped, leaving my cheeks blotchy, and uncomfortably dry with the stains they left behind. My throat felt tight and dry, in desperate need of some water to help soothe it. My eyes ached and my head ten times more so. I could feel and hear the beating of my own breaking heart beating – pounding – in my skull.

The headache kept growing, intensifying. I had exhausted myself emotionally yet I couldn't find the will to fall asleep. My eyes were glued dead straight ahead. I felt so unbelievably lost – my path ahead very unclear and jagged – as I struggled to comprehend what had happened not even an hour ago...

***

"No." That one word came out broken and forced as he ran his fingers through his black locks. What did he mean by no? My heart ached against my chest with every possible reason running through my head. Was he rejecting me as his mate? "I can't do this." And my heart shattered into a million fragile pieces. Everything came to a halting stop as my world came tumbling down.

"A-are you...rejecting me?"

"No!" Levi snapped quickly as he paced vigorously around my bedroom. I went to stand up and try to comfort him but he immediately shot me down. "Don't come near me." My heart ached even more if at all possible.

"I don't understand..." My voice sounded so small and I wish it hadn't. "If you're not going to reject me, then what's wrong? Why are you angry? Is it something I did?" I so desperately wanted to help and find out what's going on in his head in hopes to mend what we have.

"You wouldn't understand." Levi growled through his teeth as he once again rung his fingers in his hair with frustration. I went to grab his hand, wanting to calm him down but he saw my attempt and stepped back. He created as much distance as he feasibly could.

"Then please, help me understand." I begged but he seemed lost – his eyes never finding mine again. "Levi...we're soulmates. You're my other half, my better half, and it hurts me to see you like this." I sounded broken and I didn't try to hide it. "Please, just let me help you. We can figure this out. Just-"

"I never wanted a mate!" He yelled at me. His words made my body cold and shutter. "Have you forgotten that already? I told you I wasn't looking for a mate. That I didn't want one!" That literally stung. "Now look what has happened...shit...I-I have to get out of here." Levi spun around and made his way for the front door. My eyes widened and I sprung up to race after him but he slammed the door hard before I could reach him. With that slam my body froze, paralyzed.

***

I clenched my eyes tight wishing and willing to wash that memory away yet failed in doing so. It only brought forth more tears and a stomach that was flipping with nausea. I rushed to the bathroom and emptied out the contents in my stomach. My body couldn't handle all the emotions I was going through all at once. The stress and feeling of rejection was weighing heavy on my entire body.

I leaned against the white bathtub, hands shaking as my body, in its entirety, struggled to put itself back together and find balance. Using the tub for support, I lifted myself up and hovered over the sink to clean the wretched tasted in my mouth. When I looked up in the mirror I say a disheveled mess. Bloodshot eyes, red cheeks, hair in knots, sickly skin. I almost looked unrecognizable and it made me sick.

I dragged myself back to my bed and crawled up to the pillows to lay my weary head. My eyes were so tired and strained but every time I closed them to try and sleep all I saw was his face. Levi, the man who was made to love me unconditionally was no longer here and I still had no idea why. What was wrong? Was it me? Was I not good enough to be his mate? Not strong enough? Not capable? Suitable? What had I done wrong?

All I did know was that through everything that was going on right now, everything that I was feeling and despite the fact my one true soulmate had stormed out on me without any explanation...deep down I still love him. I love Levi with all my heart, mind, body and soul. Now more than ever. I'd do anything for him. Even if that means keeping my distance or not wanting any part of our forever bond. If it's what he wants then so be it...no matter how much it will pain me and tear me up inside.

Levi's POV

How much time had ticked by? I had no fucking clue as I clutched onto the back of my couch, hunched over, and panting. Everything around me was a complete mess. A broken vase lays in pieces against the wall across from me. Books and magazines I cared nothing for were scattered all around the floor. The one and only floor lamp was knocked over with its lightbulb shattered.

An image of her crying face flashed before my eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes looking so lost, broken, and laced with the tears of an aching mate. The second I uttered that disgraceful word – no – I immediately regretted it. I could literally feel the emotional pain that shook her body from such a small two letter word that held such a strong meaning. It rattled my body with its own pain because I was the cause of it. I was the cause of her misery.

A growl rolled deep within me as I marched around the crouch and grabbed the paper weight with a moon encased inside and threw it across the room. A sharp crash resonated around the quiet, lonely room while I simply collapsed on the couch. My Survey Corps graduation picture was crooked and practically falling off the wall – the glass protecting it no longer there and instead lay in shattered pieces around the paper weight with the broken vase.

I was angry, seething, and only at myself. I was the only one to blame here. I should be there right next to her, comforting her in my arms and letting her know everything was going to be okay – that nothing bad will ever happen to her again. Instead I ran away like a pathetic coward in her time of need. A wolf with his tail between his legs. A shameful mate. That's what I was. A sorry excuse of a mate who was too afraid to let his true emotions show. Too afraid of letting myself become vulnerable. Too afraid of history repeating itself. Too afraid that I wouldn't be able to live up to the title as her mate – unable to protect her or express the love and affection she rightful deserves. Too afraid of losing her...or the outcome for her if I were to perish at the hands of a rogue.

And yet at the same time I couldn't feel more proud or more relief that it is her that makes me complete. That I could call her my mate. She was mine to claim and mine alone. I couldn't help but think of what the future could hold for us and the memories that we'd create together. The warmth and sparks that had spread through every fiber of my being when we shared that one unforgettable moment was indescribable. I wouldn't exchange it for the world. Oh how I longed to be with her and yet here I find myself staring up at the white ceiling as a single tear trickled past my temple only to disappear into my disheveled black hair.

The ache and pain was unbearable but for me it was fitting. I deserve every bit of this feeling for what I had done. I couldn't reject her. Heavens no. I could never dream of rejecting her. In my eyes, she's perfect in every way shape and form – flaws and all. I could never be that cruel as to reject the one person destined for me. The result could have been shattering. She could go rogue or even I myself could. I wouldn't be responsible for a fate such as that.

The conflicting emotions bouncing off each other and battling it out inside me was too much. My inner fear and past turmoil's were winning. That lingering thought – keeping my distance is what will keep her safe – hung on firm in the back of my mind. And I was giving in once again.

I never wanted a mate. That part was true. But that was before I felt the sparks. Then she changed everything. Now that I have one, I never want to let her go. I couldn't take back those hurtful words I said to her. If I could I would more than gladly do so. This was all so confusing and new to me that I had no idea what to believe anymore. It was tearing me up inside and I had no one else to blame but myself.

The shameful mate that has become too much of a coward and given into his fears.