Two Years [jikook]

Dear Jimin.

Dear Jimin.

There is not much to say, in all honesty.

I miss you. I miss you so much; my heart is bound to burst from the pain. Every precious second of the time we spent together -- I can't help but replay them in my head, missing those times. Missing you. There are no words for this feeling, it's as though emptiness were filling me up, as though your departure left a giant black hole, and I can't stuff it, can't replace you.

Two whole years have passed since our last encounter. For two years now, I have been in therapy. For two years my mind's been telling me I can't go on, and I know, it seems so obvious, that I should put an end to this, but simply I do not know how.

I cannot forget you; I cannot get over you. Living on seems impossible. Undesirable, really. I'd rather die than not to remember you.

Last week, it rained non-stop. Can you imagine how amazing it felt? I wished it would never end. But the sky is blue, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining, so my tears are even more noticeable.

Sometimes I wonder. Wonder how everything would've turned out If I hadn't... If I hadn't done what I did, if I'd acted differently. What would've happened if I'd done better? How'd your life turned out? Would your career have been successful? Would you've grown happy, here? With us?

Rubbish, all of it. Because you haven't. You haven't, and it is all my fault. And I am sorry. Words cannot express how dreadfully sorry I am.

It kills me. Eats me up inside.

Isn't it ironic, how you leaving caused me so much heartache when I was the one causing you to leave? I was the one to make a mistake. I am to blame.

I know it. And I hate myself for it. The only thing I want is to change what happened, a second chance, another try. I don't want it to be true, the fact that I lost you.

But life is not a game, and I don't get a second chance.

Why do I live on? I can't tell. My therapist would be able to -- maybe.

I certainly don't. Here I am, talking about myself like the self-centred knob I am. I'm a mistake, a failure. Honestly, there's not one thing in my life I do not regret. I mourn everything I've ever done. Everything I've done to you.

Today is the 14th of February.

The fact that this day was supposed to be our day makes it hurt even more. It has been two years now. Two bloody years.

And I still remember everything, neither can I forget, nor do I want to. I remember how we came back to the dorms after a long training session. I remember how we made dumb jokes about love and that we would be loners forever, all that rubbish. I remember how delicious the dinner was and how we joked about dating Jin for his cooking skills.

How you told me you'd like a chat, that there was something you had to tell me.

I was so surprised when you pulled me to the elevators and led me to the rooftop, my favourite place. You'd even hanged a few paper lanterns, red ones, my favourite colour. You knew that, of course.

You were so nervous. Understandable. I smiled to calm you down and told you that there was nothing strong enough to separate. Our friendship was too solid for that.

The wrong words.

I remember how fast you spoke. How you looked into my eyes, yours filled to the brim with something I suppose was hope. How tears welled up as I didn't answer at first. Your eyes...

I didn't understand at first.

And then the fear seized me. I didn't think, was just afraid. Of what the fans would think, the other members, of everything changing.