Just Say It

Epilogue

The next few days were hell. Olivia and I were heartbroken. 

And I was terrified. Seeing Olivia in that much pain. I had nightmares, for months. For months I had dreams about seeing my wife curled up on our bathroom floor, crying for me, screaming because of the pain, blood dripping down her legs. Images of her passing in and out of consciousness. The image forever ingrained in my mind, the image of myself looking in the mirror, covered my wife's blood. My t-shirt soaked through.

Everything about that night still so fresh in my mind. It kills me to think about.

Olivia says that when I start thinking about that night there's a look that comes over my face. Every time I start thinking about it she crawls into my lap, cuddling up to me, telling me that she's here, that's she's safe. It's the only thing that helps.

And it got better for awhile. It got better until she got pregnant again.

It's not like it was an accident either, we were trying. We were trying to get pregnant. We thought we were ready. And Olivia was. But I wasn't. The nightmares get worse the farther into her pregnancy she gets.

It's not that I'm not happy, but the farther along she is, the more worried I get, about her, about the baby.

She's only four months pregnant. But we've known since she was three weeks pregnant.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when Olivia touches the back of my neck.

"Baby..." She says softly.

She sits in my lap, slipping her legs under the comforter.

"Baby, you gotta stop..." She says softly, "I'm fine. I'm more than fine. I'm happy, I'm healthy. So is the baby."

I wrap my arms around her, burying my face in her hair, breathing in the scent that is purely my wife.

She relaxes into my arms. Her hand touching her belly.

"How's our baby boy?" I ask softly,
touching my palm on her belly.

"Our baby girl is doing great." She says with a soft smile. "Kicking up a storm."

"I know, I can feel..." I say quietly.

"El, I know we agreed to wait until the kids came back this weekend, but I have to know." She says with a slightly guilty look on her face.

"Liv..." I plead. "Come on, you know that's not fair. You know I can't say no to you."

"Exactly." She says with a soft smile.

"You wanna know the truth?" I say quietly.

"What?" She asks with a soft smile.

"I've been dying to know too." I say quietly.

"Okay but we have to act surprised on Saturday..." I say laughing.

"Deal." She says.

"Okay, but you have to go get the envelope." I say.

"El..." She says.

"I do not want to get out of bed." I say.

"Neither do I." She says.

"You're the one who just can't wait till tomorrow afternoon..." I tease.

"El..." She whines, "Please?"

She rubs her belly and leans back against the headboard.

"Come on, El..." She says, "I'm tired, and if I stand up she might stop kicking, and I love it when she kicks..."

"Ugh..." I groan. "You know I can't say no to you."

She giggles and I kiss her before getting out of bed and jogging to the kitchen to grab the envelope the doctor gave us.

We asked her to write down the baby's gender and put it into an envelope so we could open it when the kids came to visit this weekend.

I crawl back into bed and pull the blankets around us.

She looks at me with a grin on her face as I tear the envelope open.

I pull the piece of paper out of then envelope.

"It's a girl!" She squeals.

"Oh my god, a baby girl!" I say, pulling her into my arms.

I kiss her forehead and she rests her head on my chest, and her hands on her stomach.

"A daughter..." She says softly.

We talk for little while about nursery decorations and baby names before I hear her yawning.

"Baby let's get some sleep." I say, turning off the lamp on the side table.

"El..." She says.

"Come on, Baby..." I say quietly.

She lays down next to me, her hand caressing her belly.

"Baby, talk to her, I won't be able to sleep if she doesn't stop kicking." She says softly.

I put my head down by her stomach, and start talking to our daughter.

"Hi sweet girl..." I whisper, "It's your Daddy. I need you to be good to your Mama tonight, she needs sleep. Your Mama loves you and so do I, sweet dreams baby girl."

I sit up, pulling Olivia into my arms.

"How's that?" I ask quietly.

"Perfect." She says quietly. "She stopped kicking."

Olivia's breath evens out as she falls asleep.

I rest my hand on her belly and feel our daughter moving.

Feeling her little movements reassure me that she's going to be okay. That she's alive. That we're not going to lose her.

Tonight I fall asleep with my arms wrapped around my pregnant wife, feeling our unborn baby kick my hand and I am so grateful for my life.