Just Say It

4 in the Goddamn Morning

I wake up and feel Elliot's arms wrapped around me.

All the memories of last night come back to me, including the kiss cam that was on national television.

I don't think we can do this. We could both lose our jobs. It was everything I wanted. But life never works out this way.

It just doesn't. And Elliot, I just don't think this can happen. I don't think it'll work. It won't work. It won't work, and then I'll be broken. I won't be okay if I let this happen.

I pull his arm off of me and put on the t-shirt that's at the end of the bed. Sighing when I realized its Elliot's.

"Babe why are you up?" Elliot asks, his voice still raspy with sleep. "It's 4 am."

"Elliot we can't do this." I say anxiously.

"Wow okay, you used my full name, this is serious." He says sitting up. "What can't we do?"

"This." I say gesturing at the two of us.

"Liv what changed since last night?" He asks.

"I just, I woke up, and I started thinking." I say, "And El we can't do this."

"Why?" He asks simply.

"Elliot we just can't, it won't work." I say tiredly.

"Liv, in seriously asking why it won't work, give me a reason." He says.

"We could lose our jobs." I say.

"Next." He says.

"Next?" I ask, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Doesn't matter." He says, "Next, a real reason."

"A real reason?" I ask, "Elliot we could lose our jobs if we're together."

"That's just an excuse, Olivia." He says.

"El, we need jobs, and besides, you love your job."

"I love you more." He says.

"Elliot stop, we can't do this and you know it." I say, starting to tear up. "We need jobs, and you know this wouldn't work anyway."

"I'll quit my job, Olivia." He says, "Because I know this will work."

"Don't be ridiculous." I say.

He grabs his phone off the dresser and starts typing.

"Elliot what the hell are you doing?" I ask.

"Here, read it." He says, handing me his phone.

It's an email.

"Cragen, I'm in love with Olivia. Also I quit.
       - Elliot."

"You're being ridiculous." I say, handing his phone back.

"Give me a real reason and I won't send it." He says.

"It just wouldn't work." I say frustratedly.

"Olivia why?" He asks.

"Elliot you just won't get it." I say.

"I don't get it because you won't explain it to me." He says.

Elliot's POV

"Because you don't need me Elliot!" She says angrily.

"What does that even mean?" I ask her.

"Because you have a family Elliot, of things don't work out here, you can walk away and you still have a family, you are my only family." She says.

"I'm not going to walk away." I say. "I love you, and I'm promising I won't walk away."

"Elliot I'm asking you to walk away." She says.

"Why would you do that?" I ask her, "I love you, and I'm not walking away."

"Elliot if you walk away now, them I have a chance at being okay again." She says, on the verge of tears, "But if we string this out, I will fall apart when you leave."

"Why do you think I'm gunna leave?" I ask her.

"Because no one has ever stayed." She says, "Elliot I've got no one, except for you, and when this doesn't work, then you're gone too."

"Who said this couldn't work?" I ask, "Who says we aren't going to get married? Who said we couldn't have kids, have a family? Who says we couldn't be happy, and be married until we're old and gray?"

"I-I..." She falters.

"Is it really a stretch?" I ask.

"It's all really nice to think about, but El, you can't promise that we're gunna be together forever." She says.

"No I can't." I say, "But I can promise that I will never be the one to give up on us, I won't walk away, and if I have it my way, we will get married, and it will be forever."

"I just, El, I've wanted this for so long, but at the same time nothing good ever lasts." She says.

"Good things last when they're supposed to." I say softly. "And I want to marry you, and I want to have kids with you, this will last, because you are the love of my life."

"I want all of that, I do, I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you." She says, "But El, this scares me."

"I know, it scares me too." I say honestly.

"I want this El, but what if it doesn't work?" She asks.

"It'll work." I say, pulling her into my arms. "I promise."

"I believe you." She says, cuddling up closer to me.

"I love you." I say softly.

"I love you too." She says.

"Liv?" I say.

"Yes?" She says, looking at me.

"It's 5:15 in the morning, and we just had a very weird conversation, where we basically kind of got engaged but I really wanna sleep." I say with a laugh.

"That sounds like a really good plan." She says.

I'm not quite sure how our 4am conversation that started with her wanting to break up, ended with us both saying we wanted to get married, but I'm glad it did. I can't think of a better way to spend my life, than married to Olivia Benson.