The Deepest Desire of our Hearts (Severus Snape fanfic) (Watty Awards 2012)

Chapter 3- The deepest desire of our hearts

       I felt a quiet, restrained sob escape my lips, and shook my head to stop the tears stinging my eyes from falling.

What was I doing?

I shouldn’t be here.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

No mirror can make up for what you’ve done, I reminded myself harshly; this was not the time for me to forget that what I was seeing was not reflective of reality. Taking another shuddering breath, I opened my eyes. Lily was still standing before me, smiling serenely.

This is not real, I told myself firmly, my heart fluttering inside my chest as if in silent protest to my thoughts.

       Then Lily began to do something I had not seen last time: her mouth moved.

She was talking- trying to give a message, I was certain of it. I watched in anticipation as her lips moved repeatedly, the same four words one after another, but I couldn’t make it out. I inched closer to the mirror, my eyes squinted in concentration.

       When I was a foot from the towering glass, Lily slowed down the movement of her lips as if she wanted me to understand her.

Finally, I was able to comprehend what she was trying to tell me, my eyes tracing every inch of her lips as she spoke to me:

‘I… love… you… Sev.’

Four words. Four simple words that together made me hope as I had never hoped before.

My heart raced, my stomach lifted pleasantly, and my eyes were filled with tears of joy- it was amazing to feel how those words affected me.

      Suddenly I felt my knees plough into the tile that covered the classroom floor, but the pain barely registered in my mind. My eyes were glued to the mirror, at the beautiful woman in front of me who was telling me that she shared my feelings- that she loves me too.

      I hardly knew myself in those moments. I never truly believed Lily loved me, but of course, it was a hope that I had carried with me since I was a child. Lily being alive, Lily’s forgiveness was something I wanted, but being loved by her conquered every other dream I could have for myself. This… this was the reality my heart longed for- this was the true desire of my heart.

       As I kneeled before that mirror, my vision becoming blurry from my tears; I felt unimaginably happy. Lily could have loved me; the possibility was in front of me- so clear and so real. To be loved by her would mean that she cared- that she may be watching over me, and now how sorry I am.

       I could look at that mirror for the rest of my life, see those words repeated from Lily’s lips over and over again, knowing that she no longer despises me for who I am.

      I hastily brushed the tears from my eyes eager to see Lily clearly once more. She was smiling at me- just as I remembered her, wearing the most stunning dress I had ever seen her in. This could easily be real, and for once I allowed my heart to conquer my reasoning.

      Again Lily’s lips moved in the same formation.

‘I love you, Sev.’

Now that I was recovering from the onslaught of emotions that threatened to consume me, my heart urged me to respond to her words:

“I love you too,” I whispered as my body shook with the relief I felt upon saying those words, as well as the power with which I felt that love for her. For years, my conscience was plagued with guilt regarding that despicable name I called her, as well as my part in her death. But in this moment, that pain disappeared; Lily was here now- she loved me- nothing could ever be so precious. I buried my face in my hands trying to master my feelings, so that I could relish this moment.