I Have A Thing For The Hot Nerd

I Have A Thing For The Hot Nerd - 19

19/8/2016
Placebo – Running up That Hill

Chapter 19

I stopped and parked the car somewhere in the trees near a familiar Lake I visited with my mom as a kid, grabbing at the duffel bag in the boot I kept for emergencies which had spare clothes, toiletries and food in case I needed a getaway as well as the bottle of vodka in my hand that I'd paid extra for so the clerk didn't question my age and walked into the clearing, taking large swigs from the bottle that burned my throat. This place was beautiful, a small waterfall fell from above and pooled out to show a lake surrounded by flowers, dark ones that bloomed in winter although the weather was warm it was still raining. I could see my breath in front of me as I approached the cabin, our summer home that was dusty and webbed over from years of negligence.

I took another deep drink, so harsh the liquid burnt my chest, mouth and tongue. I looked to the sky and spoke to my mom a little
."I'm sorry for disappointing you, disappointing everyone actually. Since you died I blocked out everything...everyone. Will was the only person I truly let in, I let him in and he-he tore my heart out" taking a few shaky breathes and another drink as I sat on the porch and watched the sun rise over the area. I had driven for hours before I remembered the route here. I spoke to my mom, all the while searching for the spare key that had been hidden here, finally grasping it I unlocked the door and let myself in.

The kitchen was in a room to my left adjoined with a small dining room, all the cutlery and crockery sets were placed in the cupboards neatly despite the neat film of dust above them. Everything in the bungalow was covered in plastic sheets so they wouldn't get dusty and dirty.At the end of the short hallway was a massive living area. The fire place needing a bit of a dusting down but apart from that everything was in its place.

The recliners sat in front of the fire place and a small and quite old TV stood on a stand in the corner, a fluffy rug sat under a newer sofa sitting in between the TV and the lamp table; I sighed and breathed in the dusty smell, looking at the walls that were lined with floorboards giving it a woodsy cabin look, a little window stood facing the lake letting in little but comforting light and three doors stood along the right wall.

I stroked the pictures along the wall, thick with muck. Pictures of me, Tee and my mom, my dad in some too, A little internet port sat on a desk next to the TV and the first and last doors along the wall being bedrooms and the middle being the bathroom. I padded drunkenly into the bedroom Tee and I shared and pulled off the sheet of my bed, dropping my bed I got out the peter rabbit letter kit I got when I was a kid from the top drawer of the bedside table and began writing. This was like a Victorian drunk text to an ex.

"Will,

I am sorry, I told you I ruin everything and I did just that. I ruined your perspective of me and who I am...I ruined myself doing it. I'm writing this because it's the only way I can talk to you without having to hear your voice. You are the most pure, crystal clear person I have ever met and I know you will look after your next partner, you'll make them a better person like you did me.

It breaks my heart but I want you to be happy and if that means leaving then so be it, you were to clean cut for me, too out of my league. I had and still have too much baggage to not stain you and your morals and for that I'm sorry.

It's strange how after weeks of being together, months of knowing each other I know that I love you and I've held it in for so long, I have never felt like this with anyone and I'm happy it was with you.

Love
Paige x'

I scribbled the address on the front for his house, taking off my ring he got me and dropping it into the envelope before I collapsed into a deep sleep, knowing tomorrow I would post that letter and that'd be the last time we spoke.

Will

As soon as those words fell from my lips I had regretted it. She's been gone for two weeks and no matter where we looked we couldn't find her, the pain in my heart was unbearable, I felt a pull for her, I love her so why the hell would I tell her I didn't want to be with her.

I was scared, scared for myself because I didn't want to get hurt again but I'd ruined my chance with Paige in the process. She scared the shit out of me, from day one Paige was so abrupt and confident and I loved that about her, even what she had done to Lucy was justifiable. Lucy had a broken nose, a sprained ankle and two broken ribs the rest were just bruises and luckily she told the hospital she had been attacked on a night out and no one had seen her since, apparently she had went to Boston to stay with her mother.

I wasn't myself, I felt like I'd lost a part of me as I walked around without her by my side cracking bad jokes. I sat up from my bed after another rough night's sleep and checked my phone, Receiving an anonymous text.
"Call me" it said, immediately I dialled the number, the glimmer of hope in my chest
"Will, It's Dean" He spoke, my heart dropped and the disappointment set in.
"Yeah, hey...any news?" I asked but I knew there would be none
"No but we just got a letter through the mail from her, I'm guessing you got one too so it's worth a try but it's labelled from about a week ago" He said.

My heart skipped a beat as I said goodbye and ended the call, putting some clothes on and running down the stairs. My fingers shook whilst I filed through the junk mail, bills and finally found a letter in her handwriting that had been dumped through the letterbox. I could feel the pound of my heart and the rush of blood in my ears as I ripped the envelope open and read the letter.

"Will,

I am sorry, I told you I ruin everything and I did just that. I ruined your perspective of me and who I am...I ruined myself doing it. I'm writing this because it's the only way I can talk to you without having to hear your voice. You are the most pure, crystal clear person I have ever met and I know you will look after your next partner, you'll make them a better person like you did me.

It breaks my heart but I want you to be happy and if that means leaving then so be it, you were to clean cut for me, too out of my league. I had and still have too much baggage to not stain you and your morals and for that I'm sorry.

It's strange how after weeks of being together, months of knowing each other I know that I love you and I've held it in for so long, I have never felt like this with anyone and I'm happy it was with you.

Love

Paige x'

My heart dropped, a tear leaked from one eye as I rubbed my hand down my face and looked up to the sky, she loved me...I fucked this up, the date written on the bottom was two weeks ago but there was no return address and it left me wondering how long all that mail had been there. My mom began to fear bills so she rarely went to get the mail but a fortnight? Really? I twirled her ring around my finger as I thought of how I could find her.
Moving slowly I felt as though I was enduring an outer body experience as I ran in, grabbed my jacket, phone and keys and left for Paige's house.

I arrived minutes later and pulled up, running up the steps I turned my spare key in the lock and burst through the door, the air was thick and a light shimmer of dust lay about the echoing, cold, empty place. Running to her room I looked through photos of her and her mom on the walls, her diary was non-existent...there was nothing that could help me find her, I searched her drawers, her wardrobe and even under her bed.

I took a deep breath, irritated with myself and tried to get up but my watch caught a gap in the floorboards. Out of anger I yanked it up with growl of disappointment and watched as the floorboard sprung free, a little silver box and wads of cash beneath it revealed itself. I didn't waste a second in opening it, sifting through pebbles, seashells she'd labels and finally a tiny photo album. It read "Myne nd mommies mermories by Paige aje 6" I smiled and traced my fingers over the writing as I flipped it open carefully, sliding against the bed I leaned my elbow on the knee of my bent leg, the other stretched out in front of me. The first few pictures were of a beautiful black haired woman with bright blue eyes and a little girl in her arms smiling brightly at the camera, the rest were exactly like that in different places, some were Paige cuddling Teena as a toddler and other were of her tickling her dad but slowly you could see the loss of brightness in her mother's eyes, dullness taking over until she slowly lost it and looked...gone. In the back of the book was a map of a lake and a big pink heart around it saying 'Home'

I took the map that was poorly blue-tacked to the album and put it in my pocket, ready to find Paige.