Two shoes (Nathan Sykes Fan-Fic)

Chapter 37

I have been going to see a therapist every week but it's never done me much good, they just make me feel small and pointless which isn't fun. I do need to get better for Lexi though...

"Mr Sykes!" A nurse shouted. I hadn't even noticed that they'd come in because I was so engrossed in my thoughts. I imagined that they'd been saying my name for quite a while now since they generally don't shout. The nurses here were great generally and seemed understanding which was comforting when I was sobbing by Lexi's bed, it was nice to know it wasn't new to them and that they could handle the situation.

"So...?" She asked, while a small smile creeping across her face. I'd seen her quite a lot since I'd been here, I think I know the entire nursing staff, Mariam her name was. I liked Mariam, she was one of the sweetest nurses in the hospital and she paid the most attention to me as a person rather than a patient's lovesick boyfriend.

"So what?" I asked, I didn't know what she was talking about.

"Lexi's heartbeat picked up a little bit more last night, it's not far off a normal resting heart rate!" She exclaimed, it had become evident that nurses and doctors are almost as happy as friends and families when their patients made progress.

"Really?" I exclaimed, a smile appeared on my face. Lexi was getting better!

"You really aren't switched on today, are you? I thought you'd have noticed." She commented, it was true. I had a routine, I'd always check her heart monitor and note it down on the calender I had brought in and pinned to her notice board. Today I had neglected that though. I knew why, my mum said that when I get depressed it's like I'm in my own little bubble and I could just sit somewhere and think of self destructive things for hours and I'd be convinced that I'd only been there for a few minutes. I hadn't realised things had gotten so bad so quickly.

"Sorry... I'm a bit caught up in my head at the moment." I admitted, reflexively I looked down at my wrists which caused Mariam to as well.

"Nathan!" She scolded me once she noticed the fresh cut. She had a look of disappointment spread across her face, I suppose she was just as fond of me as I was of her.

"I'm sorry! It was a moment of weakness! It won't happen again!" I lied. I imagined it would happen again since I didn't really plan on stopping myself.

"How many times have you promised that to someone? How many times have you lied? You've got to fight it Nathan! It's like if someone grabs your wrist: if you fight it then you can get away, if you let them take it then they're going to drag you down. You need to focus on Lexi and your depression is a distraction that you really don't need right now!" I hadn't expected her to say that.

"You have no right to tell me what to do!" I snapped. Why couldn't people just leave me be?

"Nathan we all care about you! You need to get better!" She said kindly, I really do like Mariam, she's nice and all but I really didn't see what it had to do with her.

"I know..." I admitted, I knew what I was doing was stupid and wrong, I just didn't want to do anything about it.

"Please just... Think about everyone else." She said softly before she left and gave me some time alone with Lexi. I went back to focusing on Lexi and leaned forwards so that I could rest my elbows on the end of her bed. I let out a large, tired sigh before beginning to speak without really knowing what I was saying.

"Hi Lexi. It's me again. It's been three months, I've been patient, isn't it time that you wake up already? I love you so much, I'm losing it without you by my side. I need you, I need you more than anything in this world. You... You mean so much to me and you're such a big part of my life. I've not given up on you, you know that. It's safe out here if that's what you're worried about, Alex is gone, he's dead and I'll personally make sure that no one will ever hurt you again, I promise. Please wake up, th-they keep saying that you might not wake up and I don't want to believe them but it's been so long. Please wake up Lexi, I need y-you, I-I love you."

By the end of my speech, I suppose you could call it that, I had taken her hand it mine which was much easier to do than previously since there were less bandages and less tubes. The tears were streaming down my face as I poured my heart out to her. I felt so hopeless and stupid, I could almost feel the hope being drained out of me, she was never going to wake up... It wasn't long before I leaned my head on the bed as the sobs rippled through my body.

I almost didn't notice...

"Lexi? Lexi! Did I imagine that? O-oh my God, what do I do?" I stammered, suddenly I remembered and shakily found my way over to the other side of the bed and pressed the button to alert the nurses. Everything was a blur, had that really happened? I wasn't sure if I was just having a fantasy due to sleep deprivation, hunger and blood loss. However, at the time my thoughts were clouded with hope and there was little doubt in my mind.

"Thank you Lexi, you don't know how much I needed that." I whispered into her ear before placing my lips onto her forehead. How I longed to hold her in my arms properly again, to feel her heart rate pick up when I kissed her and make her laugh again... I reluctantly pulled away, turned around, saw the heart monitor and my heart felt like it could burst with joy when I saw that it had picked up ever so slightly.

"Yes Nathan?" Mariam asked, walking into the room and looking confusedly at me as I beamed at her. It seemed so strange that I was so happy and she was so oblivious. It's like when you're really sad and feel like you can't go on and then you see so many people going on with their lives and you can't understand why they don't feel like you do.

"It's Lexi. Her heart rate picked up and I-I was holding her hand and her fingers moved. Her fingers moved!"

YAY! OMG something happy happened in my fanfic for once! Isn't that unusual?!

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