"What's depression like?" He asked.

From alone to lonely.

I have never been someone that easily makes friends. And it never bothered me that much. I prefered being alone, because when you have little people surrounding you, you have less people to explain things to. You have less people to tell when you are feeling sad, down or depressed. Or all of that at the same time.

But recently it has been bothering me. It has been bothering me that I can't seem to know how to talk to people. How to interact with them on a normal basis. I don't know what people want to talk about, how they want me to act. I know that I am not ordinary. Not ordinary in not a positive way. I annoy, I scare, I worry people. 

So I try to act like I think people of my age act. There are things I get excited about, there are things I don't even want to discuss and yet, it seems like I can't get along with anybody.

I know how lucky I am with the friends I have made. Those who understand me and respect and accept me no matter what I do or who I am, because even that changes sometimes. 

I never minded being alone. I liked being alone. But now sometimes when I am in bed and I think about everything going on and count the people in my life, I know I have missed out on things. Things I might never be able to fix, simply because I am not somebody everyone just likes. 

It's hard to like someone who is like me and that is fine. I don't want to change, not completely. I want to be able to find people who are just like me, maybe just a bit less sad. That is harder than it seems. 

I don't want to be some charity project.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to pretend to be someone I am not.

I don't want to have to drink because others do so.

I don't want to have to smoke because people think it's cool.

I don't want to have to talk about uninteresting information that I would never care about.

I don't want to be popular, that has never been my goal.

I just know that there are people out there who would like me for who I am and I just wish I had the courage and the social skills to meet them. To befriend them. To spend days with them hanging out in the park laughing at birds. 

When you come from a time in your life when all you wanted is to be alone and you no longer want that... there is nothing harder than that. Because you are no longer alone, you are now lonely. 

- Kyran.