"What's depression like?" He asked.

Making a great decision.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for staying away for so long. I have reached a low point once again in the last month and needed time for myself to get out of it again. I am feeling better now and got out only slightly damaged, which has been a lot different in the past.

The last month has made me think about a decision I have now decided to make. I haven't been walking around with the idea for a very long, simply because it scares me off a bit. When I stopped cutting (or at least did my best too) I started looking for other ways to surpress my emotions. I started to smoke again, as I have told you guys before. I drink too much and am not proud of either of them. 

For some reason bad things have always been my way to handle my anxiety and depression, but I am done. I have wrote before that not only marking your skin is a form of self-harm, smoking, drinking too much, doing drugs and mentally beating yourself up are also forms of self-harm. 

I stopped cutting, but I've never stopped self-harming. And I am done treating my body that way. I need to force myself into finding new ways of dealing with my problems. Going to my therapist more often, talking about what I feel, finding hobbies, listening to my favorite music and watching great movies. Going into nature more, meditating. Anything, but noting harmful.

That's why I've decided to go straight edge. For those who do not know what straight edge is, it's a lifestyle in which you don't drink, don't smoke and don't do drugs. Some of the people who go straight edge are also vegetarian or vegan, but I've decided not to go there, because it's not the reason I've made this decision.

It's going to be hard, but I have the support of my friends and of course of you guys. I know this will do nothing but benefit me and my life, but most of all, my mental health. I've been trying desperately to look up, think more positive, but the crash I've made the past month in which I've done things I am absolutely not proud of, have made me realize that it is going to be even harder than I thought.

I am proud that I've finally found the courage to do this. To go this far in order to get better, but I am ready to give up alcohol, cigarettes and drugs for the rest of my life. I don't want to touch those things that make me only feel more horrible, that make me feel like I can just pile up my feelings and problems until I snap and things go wrong. 

I know this is a great step into the right direction. I will never fully recover, but I can do my best to get as close as possible. With falling and getting back up. With giving up things in order to become someone I actually want to be. To no longer abuse substances so I can lie that I am doing well. 

Truth is that I am not doing well. I'm far from where I want to be, but I will be doing everything to get there.

So from now on, I am straight edge. I pledge to never touch alcohol, cigarettes or drugs again for as long as I walk this earth.

- Kyran