A while ago I saw a picture that made a big impact on me. It was a blue-green booth with a sign on the side.
When I told this to my friends, they didn't really understand why I was so blown away by this.
Now here's the thing that impressed me so much. The sign on the phone booth said "Suicide booth, $0,25."
Above the booth there was a digital screen that said "in use."
I think I've stared at that for over 30 minutes. That small picture somehow meant so much and made me realize a lot of things.
If there was a booth near me, where I could throw $0,25 in and just die, would I do this? Would I actually go in and leave everything behind me? Would I be able to just vanish from earth?
The answer didn't surprise me.
If I had the chance to kill myself without hurting the people around me, I would do it in the blink of an eye. I've tried leaving before and I know how much I hurt my friends with it. How I make them question what they did wrong.
But the most horrible thing about a failed suicide attempt, is the time that follows. The time in the hospital when they try to get all your organs back to function. The time when they stitch up your wrist, looking at you like you're an almost-drowned kitty.
Then the therapists come. Asking you what's wrong, even though you're sure you've spoken to that therapist before. You tell them nothing is wrong, because you're numb and your brain doesn't work right.
It's like someone switched everything but the emotions pain, fear and guilt off.
After a while the therapists leave, because you stop telling them things. You're too tired to reply to their questions.
A few minutes later your friends (or family) walks into the room. This probably is the most horrible thing you'll ever experience in life.
When I ended up in the hospital for the first time after failing and saw my friends walk in, I thought my inside was ripped apart. I'd never seen sadness, anger and incomprehension as clear on someone's face as I did on theirs.
I felt quilty for trying to leave them behind. I felt selfish and disgusted with myself for being so weak. For trying to run away from my problems instead of facing and fighting them.
My friends didn't judge me though. Something I was incredible afraid of. I though they would never look at me again. At some point I even thought they would hate me for it.
But they never did.
They always supported me. They were always there when I needed them, even when I tried to leave again.
People think suicide is an easy way out. They think they won't hurt anybody with it, because no one loves them anyway. But that's not true. Somewhere there's someone who will miss you when you're gone. Someone that will cry about you and wake up missing you so bad, that everything on the inside hurts.
"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better."
That's the quote I try to hang on to. That's the quote I want to ask everyone who's dealing with suicidal thoughts to hang on to.
If you ever feel like you're going to do something that can't be undo or you are dealing with another problem you can't talk about, call one of these numbers:
HOTLINES:
Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
Life Line: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-439-4253
• These are the suicide hotlines for other countries: •
WORLDWIDE SUICIDE HOTLINES:
Austria 01-713-3374
Australia 1-800-817-569
Barbados 429-9999
Brazil 21-233-9191
Canada 514-723-4000
China 852-2382-0000
Guatemala 502-254-1259
Holland 0900-0767
Honduras 504-237-3623
Hungary 62-420-111
India 91-22-307-3451
Italy 06-7045-4444
Maylaysia 03-756-8144
Mauritius 46-48-889 or 800-93-93
Mexico 525-510-2550
New Zealand 4-473-9739
Nicarague 505-268-6171
Norway 815-33-300
Cyprus 0-777-267
Denmark 70-201-201
Egypt 7621602
Estonia 6-558-088
Finland 040-5032199
Portugal 239-72-10-10
Republic of Ireland 1850-60-90-90
Russia 8-20-222-82-10
Singapore 800-221-4444 or 000-227-0309
South Africa 0861-322-322
South Korea 2-715-8600
Spain 91-459-00-50
Sri Vincent 1-692-909
Sweden 031-711-2400
Switzerland 143
Thailand 02-249-9977
Trinidad and Tobago 868-645-2800
Ukraine 0487-327715 or 0482-226565
United Kingdom 08457-90-90-90
United States 1-800-Suicide (7842433) or 1-800-Talk (8255) or - 1-800-827-757
Also, you can always send a message. Please don't forget that.
Hang in there. You're worth it.
- Kyran
YOU ARE READING
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