"What's depression like?" He asked.

Finding a purpose.

There are days where I wake up or go to sleep and wonder why. Days when things seem utterly purposeless. 

I start wondering about my future and the people around me. Regardless of how much I love my friends, I can't stop myself from sometimes wondering what I'm doing it all for. 

I've been fighting for a long time and I'm tired. Tired of trying to find purpose to live for myself. Living for my friends? No problem. Living to help people go through something I'm dealing with? Sure. But for myself? I can't seem to master that. 

I can't seem to find a reason, a goal or a dream. Those are the days where I feel empty. Drained. There's no happiness, but no sadness either. There's nothing. There's me going through the day simply because I have to. I breathe, I eat, I take a shower and go to sleep. I try to find something to keep me busy, but nothing really interests me. 

I don't care about tv-shows or books. I don't want to skating. I don't want to do anything, but at the same doing nothing drives me crazy.

Those are the days where - before I decided to cut the crap - I used to get myself drunk until I could feel some sort of fake euphoria. I don't do that anymore. I simply promised my friends and myself not to, but it's getting harder and harder as the empty days continue and I can't find a reason to get going. 

Everything seems to go slow, but fast at the same time. Nothing matters. Nothing excites me. Nothing saddens me. 

Nobody can hurt me, but nobody can brighten my day either. 

It's maddening. Feeling nothing, feeling like you're living for nothing, is worse than knowing why you don't want to live. Because that's not even the case. It's not like I don't want to live, it's just that I don't know what I'm living for. When it comes to myself, at least.

I can't continue telling myself that I'm living to help the people around me. That I'm living because my friends want me to, because that's not enough. I need to find something to live for. For me. 

I just wish it was easier than it is. 

I wish I could feel normal now that things seem to get better. I wish that I could adjust to my surroundings and enjoy the peace in my life, but I can't. 

As I said in my twitter bio, I need some time to figure out my life. I don't know what that means, but I know that I need to start finding a purpose. Finding joy. Which is easier said than done. 

I hope that I'll stop feeling empty soon. Even if it's sadness, I'll welcome it. 

I hope you're all okay. 

Hang in there.

- Kyran