I swear, I'm not suicidal

8 : g u l l i b l e

CHAPTER EIGHT : GULLIBLE

Do you ever have those moments where you don't know what to do with your life anymore? You think you don't need to live anymore because like, what's the purpose of life? Why do I still have to live? The world won't change if there's one less Aubrey in it. Do you ever get the feeling that life hates you? Do you ever think twice if you still want to live? Because I am having that feeling right now...

My dad is dead. My mom is physically paralyzed. My sister is on the border of breaking out. My life has no purpose anymore. Life is being mean to me and I do not like bullies. Life itself is the biggest bully to me in the whole world.

Do you have that feeling when someone gives you a terrible present, you pretend to like it but deep down inside, you want to throw it away? Well, in my situation, life was the present given to me and I am pretending to like it for the sake of my friends and family.

If they ever find out that I secretly want to commit suicide, they will send me straight to therapy. Well, now is no longer the time to hide behind a mask. I can show people who I really am but I'm afraid that they will judge me.

Did you ever have a point in your life where you pretend to be someone you're not? I have been in that point my whole life and no one has ever noticed except my dad. He could see right through me which helped me improve my lying skills. If my dad will fall for it, everyone will. But now that he's gone, nobody knows the real me except Kayla and Dylan. And they didn't like the real me so I would like to stay as the person I am now... A full-on bitch.

I have decided to build walls around me. Big thick metal walls and I will not let anyone pass these walls. I will always wear the biggest smile I can wear and I can smoothly lie through it

My dad was an investigator while he was here. He was like the Sherlock Holmes of my neighborhood. If I can trick him, I can trick anyone.

I snapped out of my thoughts and left my room. It's really quiet when no one's around except me. I really like the silence. It helps me think things through. Silence helps me keep calm and it makes me feel safe.

I look at myself in front of the full body mirror. Gosh! I didn't know I was gaining so much weight! I think the last time I exercised- that I remember- was before I even moved in San Francisco... Makes sense.

Why am I so ugly? What did I do to God to give me such an unappealing appearance? Or such an unattractive figure? Why can't I look like those Victoria's Secret model? Why do I have to be... me?

I felt a tear run down my face as I stared at the girl in front of me. I wiped my tear with the back of my hand. I can do this.

I went down to the nearest drug store and bought appetite suppressant pills. This should help me lose weight. Fast. I bought a lot of these, around seventeen individual pills. When I exit the store, I notice an all too familiar figure walking this way.

Reece?

My eyes widen at the sight of him so I walked the other way. I can hear him shouting my names so I walked even faster. I couldn't let him see what I bought. He might think I'm crazy or depressed! Wait, what if he forces me to go to therapy? Yikes! I do NOT want that. Again.

Almost there. I thought to myself. The more I tell myself something, the easier it is for me to believe it. Even if it is really stupid like, Unicorns are real or something. Tell me a lie, I won't believe you. I tell myself a lie, I'll believe it. I know, I'm strange.

Someone grabbed my arm which I tried to yank back but I failed due to this man's strength.

"Hey! Why were you running away cupcake?" he asked making me face him.