Memories (River Phoenix FF)

December 1st, 1993

I miss you. I miss you so much. I haven't written anything since I've met you, so here's this, River. An entire journal of every moment I remember of us. All of our moments, good and bad. Our memories. All of my tears. I don't think I've ever cried more than in the few hours I've been sitting here. Now that I've gotten everything out, my hand kind of hurts... And so does my heart. It aches for you each and every day, you know.

The bed is lonely without you. I might get a smaller one.

You gotta know now that I'll never get over you, but I at least have to try.
I just have a few things left to say, River Jude Phoenix, so here goes.

I miss you. You were my everything. My hope, my light, my best friend, the love of my life. Why did you have to go? Where did you go? I miss you. I should have written more while you were here. I should have written about us and what you mean to me. No, I should have told you what you mean. Because do you really know? Did you know? It's really over, isn't it? I really did love you, you know that, right?

I just don't get it, how you could leave me so soon. We were gonna get married, it was so soon. So soon, River. I was gonna get my job, a teacher, and we were going to make your dreams come true, Riv. We were gonna have kids, a big family with two beautiful little girls named Helen and Ashley, just like you always wanted. What happened to that? I just can't understand. I mean, you helped me get through my mother dying, who's gonna help me get through your passing?

Anyways, you always liked memories. Making them, remembering them, you thought they were so important. I never realized how true that was. Without memories, there wouldn't be anything left of you, River. How sad is that? So there it is, all of the important memories I have of you. When we met, our beat dates, the first kiss, the first "I love you", our deep phone conversations, the fights, when you told me about your addictions, everything. The building blocks of our relationship.

I found that Polaroid of you the other day, the one from the day we met. I hid it the other day. Inside a book, because it was still crumpled from when I tried to throw it away... But also because I couldn't bare to see you yet. I'm ready now. I taped it to the front of this book.

My love, our "sometime in November" never happened. I had planned to go to you that day, my dad offered to take me, your parents did too, your brother, and sisters offered to go with, but I was too upset from the second I woke up. I cried until I got sick and told them I couldn't go. I haven't seen you yet, but maybe I'll go today. I'm in a good mood. I got out of bed. I took the record player out, and listened to a few Beatles albums while I wrote. When Hey Jude came on, I took a writing break to sing along.

I hope you one day, somewhere, somehow, see this book, River, and it reminds you of how madly, truly, passionately and deeply in love with you I was. And am. I know you wouldn't like it, but I don't think I'll be dating for a while, if at all. I'm never going to get married. I'm always going to think you're my one and only, but here's thing thing, River... you're gone now, and I promise to never forget you. You're apart of me, in my heart, in my soul, wedged into my brain. You're apart my greatest memories.