Memories (River Phoenix FF)

November 4th, 1993

"I wore a long black dress. You were with me when I picked it out, River. You told me I looked beautiful in it, and you wanted to see me in it always. I felt beautiful that day, I felt beautiful in it. I wore it for you..." That was something I found shoved in the bottom of my dresser, written on a napkin, with tear stains and mascara all over it, from the day of your funeral.

The funeral was awful. I took the whole week, starting here off from my classes. It was absolutely painful. For me and for Liberty, Joaquin, Rain and especially for Summer. Even for his parents, it must have been awful. I knew how hard it was to lose my mother, but I couldn't imagine the pain my father would feel if I had died too. I guessed that that was what it was like, and it was nothing compared to mine. I felt selfish being so upset about losing so many people when I wasn't the one who had lost my child.

There were a lot of directors and producers and actors that I recognized and while I would have been excited, all I could do was mourn with them. I tried to imagine them at a fancy party, happy, laughing, signing autographs, but they were too sad. I was too sad. 

Summer stuck by me the almost whole time, and I didn't blame her. She probably couldn't face her family, it was probably painful. At my mom's funeral, I wouldn't leave her or River's sides.

It was an open casket funeral, and I knew all of his siblings would break down, so I chose to go up there alone. Even without Summer. And I took River's lifeless hand in mine, and I kissed it. A tear fell on his hand, but I didn't wipe it. I just held his hand next to my cheek, wishing for his warmth.

"I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry," was all I even said to him. There wasn't anything else. Because I did miss him. And I loved him so so much. And I was sorry. So incredibly sorry that I didn't get there the other night sooner. Sorry that I couldn't do anything to stop it. Sorry that he was gone...

After I finished with that, I found Summer again. She was crying. The two of us sat down together on a sofa, and I didn't say anything. I just hugged her.

I tried to imagine myself in her position, losing her brother at 15 only years old. She's so innocent, sweet, loving, she didn't deserve it. My heart broke. Or even Liberty, who was 17. Rain was 21, but I bet it was just as hard. She'd known River longer than any of them, he was only two when she was born. They were all so close with him, even Joaquin, I couldn't begin to imagine.

Still, I tried to put myself in their shoes. That was their big brother in that casket. The one who'd looked up and out for them since they were born. Losing someone must always be hard, no matter the age, I realized there. I had trouble losing my mother when I was 22, older than all of them.

My heart ached looking at all of them, and I couldn't do anything about it, because it ached for me too.

At some point I went over to his mother, hugged her.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Phoenix," I whispered, hugging her, our tears mixing together.

"Please honey, it's Arlyn," she said, her voice wobbling. And then, "He really loved you, Lucy. You know that?" I nodded, narrowly holding back my sobs.

"I... I know," I started, breathing hard so I didn't break down. "Mrs... Arlyn? I just want to say thank you. You've been like my own mother ever since mine died. I apparetiate it.... a lot. Thank you," I whispered. She smiled at me, kissed my cheek.

"Of course, sweetie. Just remember, I'm always here, my love. Even though he's gone, you're still family."