JOKES QUOTES AND PUNZ

more simon cowell quotes

(A\N: Well I put some of his quotes before on my 'x factor quotes' chappie, but I decided to add some more because I find his comments and quotes to be quiet truthful, blunt, and hillarious. I just love the man.He's awesome =D)

"The object of this competition is not to be mean to the losers but to find a winner. The process makes you mean because you get frustrated. Kids turn up unrehearsed, wearing the wrong clothes, singing out of tune and you can either say, 'Good job,' and patronize them or tell them the truth, and sometimes the truth is perceived as mean."

"I met someone the other night who's 28 years old, and he hasn't worked a day since he left college because he's pursuing a dream he'll never, ever realize: He thinks he's a great singer. Actually, he's crap. But nobody has ever said to him, 'Why have you been wasting your time for eight years?' "

"I find Paula (fellow judge) patronizing. It's as simple as that. Paula is more damaging than I am to these contestants because a lot of people just shouldn't be singing for a living, and she's only giving them false hope."

"If you singing was as great as your lifeguard duties, alot of people would be drowning."

"Why are you having a normal conversation with him? This is a dairy farmer dressed as a woman."

"It was as if I was watching a warmup for the chippendales."

"It's a lesson learned. You have to stand out from the crowd. You didn't stand out, it's as simple as that."

"I would be careful, you've got to be entertaining."

"You know the reason why they don't perform that song life is because it's not a very good song."

"I couldn't understand a single word you said."

"You're useless. I'm bored-yes or no?"

"Shave off your beard and wear a dress. You'd be a great female impersonator.

"My attitude is, if someone's going to criticize me, tell me to my face."

(Asked if he feels guilty about what he says to the American Idol contestants) "No, what I am doing is kind by telling people who are useless 'Do something that you're good at'. I would only feel guilt if I misled somebody who was terrible."

(To the infamous Keith who sang a horrible rendering of 'Like a Virgin') "Keith, last year I described someone as being the worst singer in America. I think you're possibly the worst singer in the world ... I've never, ever heard anything like that in my life, ever."

"Sit in these auditions for three weeks and hear 'I Believe I Can Fly' out of tune for the millionth time, and I'd like to see YOU try and be nice"

"Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I'm not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk's wife."

"It would be like coaching a one-legged to man to win a 100 meter race, if you haven't got it, you haven't got it."

"It was kind of like a chihuahua trying to be a tiger."

"I don't know what cats being squashed sound like in Lithuania, but now I have a pretty good idea."

"I could sell you as a sleeping aid, I've never heard anything more boring in my life."

"Even your dog is struggling to get out of the room right now. He's saying 'Simon please adopt me, don't make me go back.' "

"Congratualtions, you have just invented a new form of torture."

"It was a horrible, horrible song choice, it was a horrible, horrible presentation. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about it exept for that fact that you ended it early."

"That was exactly identical to a nightmare I had last week."

"It was like an annoying girl singing in a bedroom. A lot of people are going to find you annoying."

"In every single way, you are exactly what I hate."

"If someone were to try to sing while drowning..that's exactly what they'd sound like."

"I would describe you as that extra member in a  boyband that can't do anything exept for stand there and look good."

(contestant in reply to comment) "Oh, thankyou!"

(simon) "It wasn't a compliment."

(a happy mom tearing up) "Thank you so much Simon for giving my little girl a yes!"

( exasperatedly, he replied) "But I didn't!"