Behind the Screen

Chapter 9

You can't be everyone's savior and you can't assume that everyone wants a savior.

Not everyone wants to be saved, not everyone can be saved.

You need to save yourself before you try to go all superhero on everyone.

I want to be saved, but do I really deserve it?

Am I ready for life after this? I don't know what my life would be like without this pit of darkness beneath me.

Is happiness going to fill in that emptiness? Is it going to replace all I've ever known?

I've gotten so comfortable with myself this way. I've gotten used to the crying and the sadness always radiating off of me. It's normal to me. I can't remember a time when I wasn't like this.

"Laur? Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I let that fake smile spread across my face as I close my journal.

"Whatever you were writing seemed to be getting to you. Looked like you were about to cry."

"I'm fine Lucy, don't worry about me."I nod my head in assurance.

"You always say that Lauren. You always say that but you haven't left the house since Christmas day."

"I don't need to leave the house to be okay? Since when was that a thing? You make it seem like leaving the house is supposed to make me feel better?"

"I thought you said you were fine?"

"I am fine."

"You just said make me feel better. Why would you need to feel better if you're fine."

"Just because I'm fine doesn't mean I don't have shit going on, saying I'm fine doesn't mean nothing's wrong. I'm simply stating that going outside does not make one feel better about themselves."

"Alright, pastor Jauregui. But let's go out tonight? No parties or anything like that but just me and you okay? Party of two?"

"Bring some alcohol and I'm in."

"Sure, whatever you want. But I don't see how pastors can drink alcohol after they just preached. That has to be against the rules or something."

"Cool kids don't follow the rules." I put my index finger over my lips saying 'shh' while also adding in a wink or two.