The One Who Never Love Me

Just Maybe (Zayn's Diary)

Dear Diary,

I feel awful. Today was an awful day. I think I lost my best friend, and no, I don't mean Liam.

I lost Niall, I think possibly forever.

A few days ago I got into a fight with him about something really stupid and it's just all my fault.

I didn't know...

I didn't know and i'm sorry....

I didn't know He was stressed out at home, I didn't know things were getting rough for him and I just got mad at him because I thought he was ignoring me over a silly little incident, but that wasn't it. I think the main reason I flipped out so much was the fact that he felt that he couldn't trust me enough to come and talk to me. I always thought we were best friends but I guess I was just fooling myself. I always told him what was wrong with me but I guess i wasn't enough for him.

I tried to apologize but he didn't want to hear it. I just wanted US back. I wanted to start fresh and help him with whatever was on his mind. As I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes I think "maybe his words were true,"

Am I really a terrible person? yes.

Do I really not think of anyone but myself? nope.

Am I really a bitch? yes...

I'm sorry Niall. I didn't mean what I said. I was just sad about not being able to see my sister again for an entire year, an then I thought he was mad at me, and then my mom brought up possibly moving again, and I just took it out on him. I just want to be able to run up to and give you hug and be like we were. I want you to be there for me and I there for you.

I know I'm an awful person but I just pray to God that i'm not too bad to the point where he never forgives me. If not forgive then forget. Forget the hateful things i did and said.

As I write with tears now flowing down my eyes and my key bored becoming wet with my guilt, I pray that I can one day walk up to him without him looking at me with disgust or maybe just a little less hate...

just maybe...

I'm going to bed now 'cause I can't stand to stay awake right now.

Goodnight diary...

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Notes

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I haven't posted in almost a month, but my life started getting better, well until this happened. I tried thinking of things to write about since things were finally going my way, but all my ideas sounded awful, so I guess the universe told me that I can't be a good writer unless bad things happen to me. I'm still crying and I don't think i'll stop for a while but maybe I can have another month of good until another wave of pain comes rolling in.

Bye for now

~Lauryn

(p.s. sorry for this being so short, I didn't have the strength to keep writing)