Pain Is Pain, No Matter What Form.

8) Sirius' POV:

I woke up and reached over to snuggle into Remus to find he wasn't there. I opened my eyes and saw the bedding on his side hadn't been touched. That or he made his side of the bed which was unlikely he would whilst I was asleep.

I crawled out of the covers and made my way slowly to our sitting area. Remus was sitting in his usual arm chair, a book open on his lap, not really reading but instead staring into the dancing flames of the fire.

"Did you come to bed last night?" I asked sitting down on the floor in front of him.

Remus shook his head and didn't meet my eyes.

"Remus, you can't keep doing this. It isn't good for you. I worry that one day you are going to collapse and not wake up for a week. I know you are upset about Aria but you cannot punish yourself over it." I whispered, taking hold of his hands.

"It isn't about punishing myself Sirius. I hate knowing that she and Harry are in danger all the time. I hate thinking about the fact I haven't been able to protect them because I put them in danger too on the weeks leading up to the full moon. Aria got kidnapped and raped and beaten last night and I couldn't stop them taking her. She could have been killed last night and she is my only blood child. Harry is just a partial son because you are his godfather which in some way makes me his godfather too. I cannot sleep at night anyway because I always think about them. I am going insane with worry because they mean the world to me. Severus took an oath to protect them both and he had to compromise his position last night so we could have our daughter back and I am going to be forever grateful he done that. I am now in debt to the man and I will never be able to pay this one off. I love Aria and Harry with all my heart and god forbid if something was to happen to them." Remus jumped from his chair and paced whilst ranting.

I sat in silence once he had finished his rant, unsure what to say to him. Anger ran through me. I wanted to contain it but it couldn't.

"Do you seriously hear yourself? Do you not think I am worried too? Do you honestly think that I can sleep peacefully at night knowing they are both in danger? Do you think that I am that stupid that I don't know I am in debt to Severus for saving Aria last night and swearing to protect both of them? I bring danger on them because the dementors are still on the hunt for me although I was cleared at the ministry. I wake up everyday scared for my life that it might be the last day I see my kids. I know that Aria could have been killed last night but it isn't just you it would hurt. Think about what it would do to me. I was told I was only able to have one child. Unless you sleep with someone else you cannot have anther child of your own. Think about Harry too. Aria is practically his sister. She may be our daughter but she is his sister. He protects his little sister so much and for him to have to witness everything that happened to her last night must have been the most sickening thing ever. No wonder he was violently sick when he woke up. Just stop thinking about yourself for one minute and look at everyone else around you." I yelled at him and went to the other side of the room.

I didn't want to be near him. I know he was tired and upset but so are we all and there is no point in having a hissy fit over something I say that is a mistake in what I assume. He could have just told me. I know how he hasn't been sleeping for a while and I have been trying to get him to come to bed and sleep but he refuses to. It kills me inside to see him depriving himself of an important necessity but there is nothing I can do. I would give him a sleeping draught but he would never speak to me again if I did.

"Do you know what? I thought you would understand more but I was wrong. You have known me since we were in first year at this school, I have always been one to help others, put everyone before me. I think I have earned the right to express a little selfishness over a situation that I clearly could have prevented if I hadn't been so stupid. I am tired of everything. I can't do this anymore. I have had enough." Remus gave a pointed look at me then stormed out of the room.

What did he mean he has had enough? With the glare he gave me, I have the feeling he means he doesn't love me anymore. I felt tears start to form in my eyes and I knew he was right. I was being out of order, I should understand. I should know he has always done everything for everyone before he put himself into the picture. He did deserve to have a little more selfishness into this. But although I overreacted about it, I still don't know if he is serious or not about not loving me anymore.

"Sirius?" Harry asked, his voice tiny.

"Just go to your classes, now. Leave me alone." I balled and flung myself into the bed and under my covers.

I heard Harry leaving for the day and I looked at the door closing behind him. I waved my wand and had the door lock, no one could get in. With another flick of my wand, I blocked the floo network so no one would disturb me. I placed my wand back onto my nightstand and grabbed one of Remus' pillows. Although he rarely used it, it still smelled like him. I allowed myself to wrap around the pillow, my face buried in it, and I cried.