My Own Way

Chapter 24 - Part 2 of 2

"By what you just said, I guess not." I said looking anywhere but at her.

"Amanda, everyone is different and everyone has a different reaction.  You probably don't feel like anything I just said and that's is perfectly normal.  Only you can know the answer to that question, no one else."

"I think about him and I smile or even simply talk about him but...  Sometimes...I think I do love him, other times, I just push it aside and try my best to ignore it." I confessed.

"Then give it time.  Time will answer and confirm your question.  Did Blake say anything to bring this on or is it just you?" She asked.

"It's just me.  My grandmother said something awhile ago but, she got me thinking...but Blake didn't say anything.  I'm pretty sure he will but we both know that if he does, I might run...  Everyone knows it's a bad habit of mine."

"Then give it time.  One thing I would suggest, don't push your thoughts, questions or feelings aside.  There's no rush in finding answers but if you continue to push everything away, you'll never get to find the answer you're looking for, you'll stay stuck." She said.

"I think I do...love...him, you know?  It freaks me out completely."

"Does that surprise you?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The life that you've lived, I would be shocked if you'd say it flat out to him, not be nervous or scared.  Everyone is scared to say those three words to someone they truly care for but you, it's different, you've lived a different life than most.  Saying I love you to a man, I can imagine is difficult with seeing how Jesse was when you were little but your response, your feelings are understandable."

"How can I fix that?" I asked her.

"With time." She said and I rolled my eyes.  "I know it's not an answer you want to hear but you can't force it or press fast forward like on a remote control.  When and if you decide to tell him, you want to make sure you say it with your whole heart and that is the reason why time helps.  If he says it first, that's perfectly fine but it doesn't mean you need to say it at that moment.  He seems like a man who understands you and accepts you for who you are, if he is that kind of a man, he should understand why you aren't ready."

"He doesn't fully know me." I told her looking into her eyes.

"Please explain that to me."

"He doesn't know the real story about how Jesse died.  He can't love me without knowing that.  He can't truly understand me without having all the information.  What if I tell him and he goes to the cops?  What if he just leaves me there?  What if he... I'm terrified that I'd lose him." I said honestly.