5SOS Book of Imagines

CTH // Alive (5)

-

Strength is hard to find in a place, and in a body, that shouts of wear, tire and hopelessness. But then even just one glimmer of hope, possibility, opportunity, can open and make its way through the longest and darkest of tunnels.

Calum was that ray of light for me. It was hard, the first few days knowing he's gone, every session I would be desperately hoping I'd open the door to find him sitting on Green's place, scribbling on the leather notebook that I now own.

Yeah, I have it.

The week I came back and found out Hood was gone, Green explained it was his choice to leave a week earlier—personal reason, apparently and told me he left a notebook to be given to me.

Though devastated inside because of his abrupt leaving, my heart rate spiked at the mention of the notebook. The thing he kept scribbling on, I've always wanted to see what was inside it.

With shaking hands I took the notebook from Green, my brain hyperaware of its texture, its weight.

Green kept talking but I was too busy. I opened the notebook on its first page. I recall the date of the first entry, the time we first sat together on the coffee shop.

-

This is stupid, me sitting here right now. As stupid as the way my heart beats hard like this, like a thousand fists banging on a door—I feel like it's gonna explode any second. It's stupid. But then, I can't help myself. I just had to.

There she sits, almost just an arm's length away from me and I am hyper aware of everything she does, even though I'm scribbling on this journal right now.

Okay, well, here goes.

Kira, I'm sorry. I don't know how long this is going to last. Well, from what Green told me I only have to substitute for him for a month, but surely, I can't finish that. I'm sorry I can't stay to help you, because I won't be able to.

I can't help you with this crazy beating of my heart. I can't help you without feeling more, so much more than I am already feeling now. Being here, in this coffee shop outside our session is already a breach of what service I should give you as a doctor.

I'm not even sure if this thing that urged me to come here, this thing I'm feeling is going to lean into romance or something deeper but nevertheless, this is bad. I, for a fact, know that you don't need this. Romance is the worst thing that can happen to help you. Because I know that I will hurt you, for love (whatever, it's too early to say this but) requires pain and sacrifice, too. It can't be all sunny skies and butterflies.

Most of all no, I don't want to love you, then suddenly expect you to be better. Or you, to fall in love and make yourself want to be better. I want you to be better for yourself. Even from our first meeting, after hearing your story, after seeing you in the office, I already see something in you. Something profound and special.

Don't let yourself lose that, Kira, and more importantly, don't lose you.

-

I sat quite motionless, my heart beating as crazy as how Calum described his on his first entry. Green had shut up, seeing me absorbing the words on the journal. For a psychiatrist, and someone who looked like he does, I never took Calum for someone who had very deep thoughts about stuff and it quite shocked me how...free and open he is to talk about them, albeit on paper.

I scanned the other entries, almost filling half of the thick journal. And all of these are for and about me?

A sense of respect bloomed in my heart, and something else. But mainly, I found myself looking up to Calum, at how sincerely he cared for me and my mental health. Saying he wanted me to get better for myself.

It's so selfish in a way. Choosing to stay away from me, for me.

I said goodbye to Green, tucking the notebook by my side.

Days passed and I decided to read one entry a day from his journal. Every page was dripping with his thoughts and different perspective about the world, about people and what he thought of me. It amused me that he was just so honest, talking about how awful I am at socializing—it's true, though. It's just, I don't know, fun? To see how he isn't scared to call me on my bullshit.

The journal made it feel like he was almost with me. I read that his feelings, they started to intensify over time and he was right, that he couldn't finish the month. That he had fallen.

I found myself smiling, only he would confess on paper.

I was doing better then, I really did start to want to be better for myself. Reading how different the world seemed in Calum's eyes, it made me wonder about the possibilities, the opportunities, and his thoughts made me start to hope. That maybe life does get better.

It was three weeks later that I finished reading all his entries, and it was the last one that most touched me.

It was his story.