Roman, I Love You

Give A Little

When I turned my attention back to the outside my brother was there. It did not really surprise me; he seemed to show up when I was at my lowest and going out of my mind. He looked just the same as he did when we were teenagers. His light brown, nearly blonde, hair was just as curly as ever.

He was sitting with his one leg pulled up resting his arm on his knee while the other leg laid extended in front of him. His legs were lengths upon lengths of mine. He was looking up at the dark sky with the moonlight illuminating his face. We stayed in silence for a moment and then he turned to me, his brown eyes boring into me.

"What're you doing Scarls?" His boyish voice rasped.

"I know Jamie."

"I don't think you do. You think you do. I thought I did, but look at where that landed me."

"Yeah." I could not keep the anger out of my response.

He scrunched his button nose in a grimace, "Hey," he said lowly, "I'm sorry. It wasn't you okay. You have to know that. It was never you. You were the last thought in my head. You were the reason that I instantly regretted what I had done as soon as that bucket flipped on its side. I love you okay. You gotta know that and you gotta stop doing this shit to yourself."

He reached over and took my hand. "You're gorgeous you know that? Inside and out. Don't let anyone ever tell or make you feel any different. Not Mom, not Dad, and especially not yourself. I made a stupid fucking decision don't make the same. My nephew needs you. Avery, she needs you. Nat, despite him fucking you over, needs you. Stop pushing him away. You know who." He squeezed my hand again and looked over at me. "You got it baby sis?" He smiled his huge thousand-watt smile and opened his arms to me.

"I'm trying Jam-e," his old nickname slipping from my lips. "You know I am." I pressed my face into his chest and wrapped my arms tight around him, hoping to keep him here. His arms felt like home and they managed to calm every cell in my body. "Please don't leave again," I sobbed in his shirt.

"Oh, Scarls, I wish I could stay. I really do, but I can't. You know that. I love you sweetie." I could hear the waver in his voice the way it would whenever he was crying. He rubbed my back and brushed his hands over my hair. "Shh, sh, sh, now. I have to go now. You'll be fine, I just know it. And Scarls?" I felt his lips press into the top of my head, "I'm so proud of you baby." And then he was gone.

When I opened my eyes everything was as it was before and I could feel warmth bleeding out of me. I pulled my knees to my chest as I tried to staunch the flow from my eyes. My head was pounding and my eyes were red, swollen, and blurry. Between labored breaths I nursed my bottle. I leaned my head back against the metal staring up at the stars, watching them jump back and forth through the watery haze.

Eventually, it was too blurry to even see them. My ears were just fine though, despite the sounds of my crying. The front door opened. He was being cautious as he gently closed it back, but as soon as he saw me caution blew to the wind. He straightened and quickly crossed the room to me, full of purpose. I wanted to tell him to leave. I wanted to ask him why he kept coming back. I wanted to tell him to just end it now and stop prolonging, that it was an evil thing he was doing. I wanted to ask him how he kept getting into my house.

None of those responses came forward when the time actually came, like the coward I was, I bit my tongue.

"Scarlett what's wrong?" He crouched beside me and put one hand on my shoulder.

I sniffed until I could form a sentence without sobbing and destroying it, it did not work all too well though, "I want my brother back."

His brows furrowed, but he moved forward, reaching for the bottle to set it aside before pulling me into his embrace. "Oh Scarlett..."

I felt dumb and weaker than ever as he held me and attempted to calm me while I cried about missing my brother into his chest. Eventually, he grabbed the bottle and then gathered me into his arms. When he deposited the bottle on the kitchen counter and began to move away from it I protested, but all he responded was that he thought I had already had enough to drink. He was probably right.

He sat down on the couch, settling me in his lap. He stroked my hair, but stayed silent none-the-less just letting me get it out and tire myself out like a child. My face was squished into his chest and I was groping at his nice blue dress shirt. He was patient with me as my noises finally reduced to small whimpers every once in awhile. When he felt my body to cease shaking as violently as before he pulled back and looked at my wet face. He cradled it in both hands and used his thumbs to stroke my cheeks and swipe away some of the lone tears.

"I'm sorry for leaving Scarlett. I just- I needed time, then something came up with my job, but as soon as it was finished I came back." He began to explain. He dropped his voice along with his head to level our face so that he could gaze into my eyes, "I will always come back, okay?" He stressed 'always' and when he was finished he looked as if he truly wanted me to answer.

Despite knowing that what he was promising was irrational and that it sounded like something from a fifteen-year-old teenage boy who truly believed his ridiculous promise, I answered. "Okay," I nodded shortly and part of me really wanted to believe in him.

Silence passed and I said the first thing that bubbled to my intoxicated lips. "How do you keep getting into my house?"

He laughed, finally breaking the stifling seriousness in the room. "I've seen where you hide your spare key."

"Oh," was the only thing I thought of, but after a few moments I murmured to Roman, "I missed you."

"I know baby." He hugged me to him and kissed my head.