Roman, I Love You

Slipping into a Sleepsong

5

I flipped the final page of the article I was proofreading, setting down my green pen. I blinked hard a few times and cracked my knuckles. It was time for lunch, but I planned to work right through it. I would punch out come back to my desk and when it was time I would go back and punch back in. No one argued with me about it anymore. Just to keep the tension down every once in awhile I would actually "go to lunch" and take a walk or something so that people would not worry. However, when I saw Ellie approaching my desk with a smile and determination I knew that today would be different. I smiled up at her when she leaned against my desk with her hip.

"Have lunch with me?" She questioned right off.

I played as if I were contemplating the idea before politely declining and putting the blame on the work that I had to do, which was non-existent. She shook her head, always having an amazing filter for bullshit.

"Scarlett, do you remember when I would come and ask you every day to have lunch with me and every day you would decline then eventually I just stopped asking? Yeah well I'm not taking no. I know for a fact that your lunch is now and you are going to spend it with me. Grab your purse come on." She stood straight giving me a smile before turning on her heel and walking away with me trailing behind her.

I caught up with her just as she reached the elevator. She smiled knowingly and when we entered into the elevator she looped her arm through mine, and then, all of a sudden, she was gushing about her life. Do not get me wrong I liked Ellie, she was a really good person and incredibly nice, but outside of the little ring of girls that we made up within the office we did not have a relationship. I was not too keen on eating lunch, but it was refreshing to have her company. We talked lightly the whole way to the restaurant down the street and around the corner. It was a Mexican food place signaled by the smell of spices and meat as we entered into the building.

A very pleasant woman with golden brown skin sat us down and took our drink orders. I knew that it would soon be time to order food, but how I would get out of it I had no idea. She pored over the menu talking about how great everything looked. I tried to carry a conversation with her about the many delicious options, but every attempt died out quickly as I felt panic rise along with my snarling stomach who desired nothing more in that moment than to be fed. I crossed my arms around my torso in an attempt to contain the disgusting beast. The beautiful smells wafting from the kitchen were making me light headed though. Something in me was determined not to let the beast win, especially not this time.

When the waitress eventually came back she took Ellie's mouth-watering order and I earned strange looks from both of them when I chose a single chicken soft taco. The waitress reminded me that they were not very large. I nodded and thanked her, reassuring her that that was exactly what I wanted. She nodded politely and disappeared back into the kitchen while I avoided Ellie's appraising eyes. They were nothing compared to those of Roman, however, and I could easily brush them off along with her worries with just a pleasant smile.

Eventually, she just let it go making up some reason in her mind that way people always do to rationalize my choices and actions. We even ended up having a really nice time. After we finished eating I excused myself to the bathroom on account of me drinking so much water. I waited until I was alone so that I could stick my finger down my throat the way I had so many times before, when I was younger. I finished quickly and rinsed my mouth out trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I was getting worse, falling back into old ways and bad habits. I could feel it, yet I did not know if I could stop it, nor if I wanted to. I thought of Roman once more and his accusation why are you trying so hard to die.