You And I: On Tour

Connor III

I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling of the hotel. My argument with Troye on the plane ran through my mind over and over. I knew what I'd said was dumb, but I hadn't meant it the way he'd taken it. And then he'd turned around and said what he did. I didn't think he had a mean bone in his body until then.

My phone had been chiming non-stop since I got to the hotel with Twitter messages coming through and a few texts from friends and family back home. I noticed that Troye hadn't sent out a message to confirm or deny anything going on between us so I followed suit, not wanting to do something that could cause more trouble. I did, however, read the texts and reply to them

From: Jim (7.10pm)

You okay Con? We've heard stuff on Twitter. What's going on?

From: Tan (7.11pm)

Con, I just heard. Has he hurt you? If he has...

From: Mom (7.11pm)

Connor, is something up with you and Troye? There's a lot of rumours going around.

From: Nicola (7.12pm)

Here for you Con. If I need to fly out to Aus to give Troye a piece of my mind, I will.

I smiled at my sister's message and the protectiveness I was getting from my friends. I quickly sent back a message to them all.

To: Jim (7.15pm)

We're on rocky ground at the moment. Will keep you posted.

To: Tan (7.16pm)

Thanks for the support. Will let you know what happens when I know.

To: Mom (7.17pm)

Don't believe the rumours. We've had an argument but hopefully will sort it out soon.

To: Nicola (7.19pm)

You don't need to fly out. I'll be fine. Thanks for the offer though.

I turned my phone off and tossed it to the floor then, rolling over and burying my face in the pillow. I wished I hadn't said what I did. It was a foot-in-mouth moment and if I could go back, I would change what I said in a heartbeat. He'd looked so upset that my heart had broken for him, at least until he made the comment about me ending up marrying a girl.

He knew how hard it had been for me with my sexuality and then to turn around and say something like that, was just low. I was so shocked at what he'd said I couldn't find it in me to follow him as he ran away. For ages, I just sat there, listening to him cry quietly, unable to bring myself to say anything. 

When the plane landed, I hurried off and met up with Paul, begging him to take me to the hotel straight away. After a moment, he complied, making sure Emma knew we were going. At the hotel, I told the man at concierge I wanted my own room and for whatever reason, he readily agreed, handing me a key and giving me directions to the room.

And now, here I lay on my bed, wanting nothing more than to feel Troye's arms around me but at the same time, wanting him to be far away.

There was a knock at my door and I sat up, wiping away the tears I didn't realise had fallen. Crossing the room, I used the little peephole to see who it was. I immediately recognised Troye's curly hair, his head bent to look at the floor. Before opening the door, I had a silent debate with myself over whether to let him in. Part of me, the part that was mad at him, said I should just ignore him. But the other part, the part that still loved him, told me I needed to talk to him. I sighed and pulled the door open, my eyes meeting his brilliant blue ones as he looked up.

"Can we talk?" He asked. I bit my lip.

"I don't know, Troye. Are you going to cut me with your words again?" My words came out harsher than I'd expected but he didn't flinch.

"I'm so sorry, Connor. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have said that, no matter how much what you said hurt me."

"Troye, you know I didn't mean what I said. You know it now and you knew it then. You just chose to take it the wrong way. That's no excuse for saying what you did."

"I know, I..." He paused as a business man walked past. "Can we talk in your room? So it's more private?" For a moment I considered rejecting the idea. But then I remembered the paparazzi that had been in the lobby and thought it was probably better if we did talk in private.

"Come in." I stood to one side, allowing him into the room. He came in and stood by the desk, arms folded. I stayed where I was, leaning against the door so he had no escape. He had to say what he came here to say. He seemed to get the hint and looked up at me.

"Connor, I am so sorry for saying that. I don't...I don't know what came over me. I was just so mad at you that I..."

"Mad at me? Troye, everything I said was hypothetical. There was nothing real in it, well, apart from the stuff about being eighteen and in high school. It's not my fault you chose to take what I said the wrong way." I was getting mad now. Why was he trying to turn this around on me?  "You hurt me, Troye. To be honest, I don't know if I can forgive you."

"Connor." He looked close to tears but I remained stone-faced. I couldn't crumble now. "Connor, I love you."

"Do you really? How do I know? What if what you said to me, was you subconsciously thinking that about yourself?"

"No, I..."

"Troye, I don't want to hear it." I took a deep breath before continuing. "I've been thinking, I'll continue the tour with you, but only because it doesn't work without me. Until I can find a way to forgive you, I don't want to sleep with you."

"Connor, please..." He was begging me now.

"No. I thought you were different, Troye. I thought you really loved me. I spent hours worrying about you in Rome and then, you turned around and basically told me you doubted my sexuality. You know how much time I spent worrying about that before we got together. There's nothing that you could have said that would be worse."

"I..."

"You know how hard it was for me to even be seen with you. And you basically told me I was faking it."

"What about us, though?"

"You asked me on the plane if I would break up with you. When you said that, I thought I never would. But now, I know I can. And I am."

"You...you're breaking up with me?"

"Yes. Troye, I want to be with you. More than anything. But you really hurt me. I can't be with someone who hurts me the way you did."

"But..." I shook my head, cutting him off. I couldn't let him say anything or I'd break my resolve, rush over and kiss him silly. He had no idea how much this was killing me.

"Just go, Troye. I'll see you at sound check." I opened the door to let him out. For a moment, he looked like he wouldn't move. But he gave in, walking past me into the hallway. Before I could shut the door, he looked at me with the saddest expression I'd ever seen on him.

"I'm so sorry, Connor. I wish things could be different." I shut the door before I said anything, letting the tears I'd been holding back start to fall.

"Me too, Troye. Me too." I whispered.