Say Goodbye

11

I tried to balance myself as I stumbled down the hallway of someone's house; the drumming in my head was only getting louder by the minute. It caused my world to spin and become blurry, nonetheless I could still see.

Finding the first door on the left I pushed it open and rushed in, reaching the toilet I dropped to my knees before emptying everything that was in my system. Drugs and alcohol were a shit combination and with the added high I had before I had come to the party anyone would assume I was trying to get myself killed.

Heaving over the toilet, tears stung the back of my eyes. It was new years eve; I wanted to have a good time, after the Christmas that passed reminded me that I was alone with no one to hold me. The letter I had gotten from Uncle Jay days earlier sent knives to my heart; they reminded me of times I had wished to forget.

When Jessica and Marissa called me and told me about the party I jumped at the chance to once again drown my sorrows. However I didn't plan or expect to see my father dressed in his uniform standing in the middle of what was the make shift dance floor. I didn't expect him to look at me with pity and disappointment. Everything had gone to hell then, the drugs had drinks I had took to save myself a couple hours of grief had backfired and gave me hallucinations. I guess it only served me right though huh? I would expect nothing less from my father if he were alive and saw the shape I was in now.

Standing up, I flushed the toilet and stepped toward the sink, I stared at the girl in the mirror, not at all recognizing who was looking back at me. I'd lost more weight within the three months I had come to live with Jay, dark circles and bags fell around my eye but were covered in concealer so the world couldn't see. My shaky hand moved slowly, pushing the hair that stuck to my face back, seeing a srunchie by the nearby cabinet, I grabbed it and tied my hair up.

I turned the faucet on; I rinsed my mouth then splashed some water on my face. My head was a bit clearer and like I expected, memories rushed back to the surface trapping me in my painful prison.

Tears slipped from my eyes as I began choking on sobs, I didn't want it to be like this, I didn't want to feel like this. It was all overwhelming, I had no out, I just wanted to shout, scream...something! So I did.

I screamed, as loud as I could at the top of my lungs until my throat hurt.

Silence filled the house and for a minute I almost thought everyone had heard me over the blaring music.

"Ten!" I heard people shout. The countdown to the New Year was beginning, not being able to stomach being among the party crazy junkies, I fled the bathroom. I raced down the steps, doing my best not to fall as my body was weak.

"Six!"

I pushed through the crowd of people, desperate to get away, it was no longer fun. The distraction no longer served its purpose so there was no need for me to be there. There wasn't a need for me to be 'friends' with Jessica, Marissa, Matt, Chris or Brian. Their purpose had expired like an old carton of milk.

"Five!"

Reaching the door, I ran through it and kept going, the freezing winter air cutting into my skin. I could feel their eyes as I passed them, strangers judging me but I didn't care, the spark of adrenaline that allowed me to get away from the loud place felt good, it felt good to run again, at that moment I had appreciated the forest that surrounded Mark's little town.

My tears were taken away by the crisp wind as my feet pushed me forward; the twinkling lights and sound of laughter made me want to squeeze my eyes shut and escape to nowhere. Turning into an alley, I slowed in my paced, my adrenaline had run out but since I was closer to home I didn't mind. Leaning against the stone wall, I caught my breath before moving again but the sudden scuff of someone's feet caused my scalp to prickle.