Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 12

I jumped off my bed and walked to the door, knowing that my mind wouldn't be able to absorb any information with their constant bickering going on outside. Nothing but annoyance surged through me, a sort of irritated anger that laced my veins. But soon enough, once their words became clearer in my mind, my temper was replaced with something different. Something unexplainable. 

"God, you're such an idiot!" Damien's harsh whispers filled my ears. "How could you let this happen?"

"Damien, please," Jade pleaded desperately. "I tried all that I could. You know it's not in my hands--"

"You're her sister! What do you mean it's not in your hands?" What the hell were they talking about? A lump rose in my throat as I strained to hear more, my hand clutching my stomach. I felt nauseous. 

"Stop blaming me! She won't listen to me. It doesn't matter who I am in relation to her--"

"Dad wouldn't have let this happen. You just don't know what the hell you're doing!" The venom that spewed from Damien's mouth made a chill run up my spine. This was not the same person who used to hold me when nights got hard. At least, not from what I remember. Maybe it's foggy but, I don't remember this.

"Maybe your father would have been better at helping her, but I'm trying the best I can and there's nothing more that I can do." I have to say, I was sort of relieved to hear the firmness that laced Jade's voice at that comment. I'd hate to see her just sit like a scared puppy. It would have reminded me of that stupid, flustered nurse I had once after my accident. I just can't stand to see that.

I waited for more of the conversation but ended up just hearing the loud footsteps of Damien storming away. I went back to my bed and put the end of a new pencil between my teeth, trying my best to go back to studying.

My mind just kept wandering.

I thought back to my little adventure with Kania. I tried to figured out why it felt like an effort to just smile the day after that trip. It was annoying the hell out of me, to be honest. I wanted to be joyful and I wanted to laugh. I knew that what happened with my family would affect me, and I know these constant arguments between Jade and Damien weren't helping either, but whatever this weird, heavy sensation was, it needed to stop. I at least wanted to escape from it for a while. Just like I had wanted to escape from reality in the hospital.

Always escaping something.

I tried not to think about it. I deal with whatever all of this is in my own way. There's nothing wrong with it. But I just wanted to laugh again. To have tears spilling from my eyes from giggling too hard. To have my stomach cramp up with every snort.

Was that so much to ask?

~~~

I walked over to the kitchen table with a plate in my hands, stacked full to the brim with warm delicacies. It clanked when it hit the surface of the table, and I took my seat beside Damien as I always did. 

"So, are you ready for your test tomorrow, Manny?" Jade asked, with an evidently forced smile across her face. I shrugged while stuffing a forkful of chicken in my mouth.

"Sorta," I replied with my mouth full. She shook her head at my awful table manners, but smiled inwardly. 

"So, Damien. How do you like the food?" I could feel the atmosphere darken around us, and the air felt almost suffocating. I watched my brother just push around the food on his plate without a reply, a scowl marked on his face. My eyes flickered back to Jade's downcast expression, her eyes dull. With an inaudible sigh that was barely noticeable, she pushed her chair back and got up from the table, muttering something about forgetting to warm the vegetables or some sort of shitty excuse.

I put my fork to the side and crossed my arms. "Alright, Damien. Are you going to tell me what's up or not?"

He looked towards me, his fork suspended in midair before his lips. "What are you talking about?" He lowered his hand, letting the utensil clank onto the plate. "I told you everything you need to know."

"Yeah, but you haven't told me what's going on between you and Jade." I tried to calm myself down, put a little empathy in my voice. Obviously an abrasive response to this situation is unwise, and just plain rude at this point. I looked down at my plate and bit the inside of my cheek. "Is everything okay?"

He shoved a forkful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. "Wonderful."

I couldn't help it, but my jaw dropped slightly in a sort of offended disbelief. "No need to be snarky with me."

I heard a wisp of air escape his lips. "Look, just stay out of it, okay? It's nothing you need to be concerned about."

I looked at him for a moment. Does he not realize that the constant arguments between them have already kind of shot that horse in the face? It's a little too late for me to not be concerned.

"Fine." I let it drop. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt by his angry responses. I knew he was going through a difficult time, but getting upset with me wasn't going to help. I took a deep breath.

"Who's Jay?"

Damien stopped eating once again and put his fork down. "I said stay out of it."

"It's a simple question."

"Drop it." His stern voice sounded deadly. I glanced down at the gunk on my plate, seeming unappetizing to me now.

"You're being ridiculous," I muttered under my breath.

"You just wouldn't understand, Manny." He took a sip of his water and stirred his peas into his mashed potatoes. "Maybe when you're older."

One of my eyebrows quirked upwards as I stared at him for a bit. I shook my head with a little laugh under my breath. See, that's something Damien wouldn't understand. Damien just doesn't get that I do get it. Does that make sense? I get it more than he thinks. I get it more than my classmates think, than my teachers think. I get it more than Kania thinks, than Jade thinks, than anyone thinks. I just keep it in my head, that's all. These people assume I don't understand because I'm quiet about it. Because I'm not going around spatting out all of the thoughts and philosophies stirring in my mind to the first person I see. Maybe I should. Maybe people would take me more seriously.

I know there's a lot I don't understand. I know there are a lot of things in this world that I'm too young to fully grasp in its entirety. I know that for sure. But I do understand the stuff that Damien thought I was ignorant about.

I guess I shouldn't blame him. He's the oldest child. As the oldest, he underestimated the power of a younger sibling. Older siblings always do that. I think they forget that our ears are always open. We are always cognizant of the information being passed around us. I can't speak on all the younger siblings of the world, but I know I play dumb way too often. It's no wonder Damien doesn't think I'd understand. There are just some things that are better off left alone. It's probably easier for him to think I am cloaked in a blanket of naivety that shields me from the world. Or whatever. He can think what he wants to think; that's fine with me.

I dropped my utensils onto my plate with a clank and went into the kitchen. I wasn't feeling very hungry anymore.

~~~

I glanced at the test paper that landed on my desk three days after the dispute with Damien, taking in the red number circled at the top corner of the page. I let a sigh escape my lips as I touched the piece of paper to make sure it was real. I shouldn't be surprised, I couldn't focus at all. And I was just so damn tired.

64%. One point below passing.

I definitely need to win that contest now.