Gold And Coal (Ryden AU)

1.26 ◇ Heaven Knows

I wrote this while struggling to keep my eyes open so if there are mistakes or things that don't make sense, I'd appreciate it if you'd point it out (:

The next few days were a blur. Brendon had brought me to Spencer's place, where I spent my time sitting on the couch, my knees pulled up to my chest, a blanket around my shoulders and stared into space.

I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't move, except for occasionally wiping tears from my face.

They made sure I was never alone though, and took it in turns to stay by my side. In the beginning they had attempted talking to me, but now they just sat in silence, staring at me with pitiful eyes.

The door opened and Brendon entered. Jon got up and left the room, exchanging a few words with the other boy before shutting the door behind him.

Brendon didn't approach me like the other times, slow and calm, but quickly and I sensed anger pulsing of him.

"Ryan!" He snapped, making me flinch.

I shifted a little as he kneeled down beside me on the couch and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me violently.

"Please look at me," he demanded, a desperate tone to his voice, making me obey.

"You've got to live on, Ry, this isn't the end of the fucking world! You can't sit here for the rest of your life!"

A tear spilled out of my puffy eyes as he shouted at me.

"No, stop crying! He isn't worth your tears!"

He grabbed my arm and pulled me of the couch, my bones cracking at the sudden change of posture.

He half pulled, half carried me out of the door and sat me down at a table, setting down a plate in front of me.

"Eat," he said, sitting down opposite of me.

I averted my gaze. I wasn't hungry.

"Eat," he repeated, this time a lot angrier so I didn't dare protest again.

So I wordlessly chewed on the tasteless bread, taking another bite each time Brendon sent me a warning look.

Once I was done, he pulled me back into the living room and through me a set of black clothes.

"Change, we're going to the funeral," he said.

"Funeral? What funeral?"

He looked up at me, slightly surprised. Oh yeah, that was the first time I'd spoken true words, if you exclude the screaming and sobbing, since it happened.

"Your father's, you dimwit."

I breathed in sharply, dropping the clothes on the floor.

Sighing, Brendon walked over to me, pulling me into a tight hug.

"This is a good thing, you know. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. They're meant for closure. Whatever you have to say to him, you can say it there," he whispered in my ear, massaging the back of my head soothingly.

Letting out a shaky breath, I wrapped my arms around him tightly, burying my head in his shoulder and breathing in his sweet scent, I couldn't quite pinpoint it, but it was calming and helped me keep my tears from spilling yet again.

"Change," he said again, placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

I did as told and Brendon helped me fasten the tie around my neck, running his hands through my hair, probably to make it look less messy.

After Brendon had changed aswell, we headed out to join Jon and Spencer, who both smiled at me.

It was raining outside, which wasn't much of a surprise, but none of us seemed to mind all that much.

"If rain falls on a funeral procession, the deceased will go to heaven," Spencer offered, but no one responded to the attempt to make conversation.

We walked quite some time until we reached a small cemetery, where a coffin lay in the centre, next to an open grave.

"You got his body?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course, Jon and I went back and got it," Brendon murmered.

I couldn't keep my eyes of the coffin, which was slowly lowered into the ground, not listening to a single word the minister said, but I stumbled forwards slightly when Brendon shoved me, indicating that I may now speak.

Kneeling down infront of the grave, I took a deep breath.

"Dad... I, I don't really know what to say to you. I thought about it, a lot, but I just couldn't find the right words to express how I feel. Outsiders would say I should be glad you're gone, that you deserved it, but that's not it. I remember when you were a real father, when you loved me and mum. You were the best dad I could have hoped for, and I loved you a lot. But then things changed. You became self-pitying and drowned your sorrows with alcohol, until everything around you became unimportant. You stopped going to work, and liquor became a priority, to the point where you stopped buying food. That's when the train shot completely over the tracks. You forced me to steal, and then I got this awful job, and it was hell. I got up before sunrise and came home after sunset, and everything hurt, ny body was constantly on fire. But instead of appreciating it, you always found something to hold against me, and if my life wasn't terrible enough before, you certainly made it so by using me as your own, personal punching bag. But I don't blame you for that. I blame the liquor. I know who you were without it. Besides, life has kind of taken an amazing turn for me, and I'm happier now than I was ever before mum died, I feel alive. And I hope that wherever you are, you're at peace, and together with mum. Goodbye Dad, I love you."

I got back up and rejoined the others, feeling Brendon's warm hand on my shoulder as the funeral came to an end and we exited the depressing site. He was right. It did help, getting all that off my mind.

"I need to go back home," I said to Brendon, a weak smile finding it's way back onto my face.

He nodded, returning my smile and we briefly said our goodbyes to Spencer and Jon before making our way back to my home.

~
Smile darling don't be sad
Stars are going to shine tonight

Hold me like we're going home
Turn your tears to rain
Bury me beautiful
Heaven knows how I loved you
And how I loved you

Father hear your Son
Do the good die young?
Did I raise you up, raise you up
Make you Proud?

Let the sun go out
Tear the bridges down
I'm on my way, on my way
I'm going home
Home
~