My Little Murder

Chapter 20 - Surprise Suprise

"How are you feeling?"

"I miss him."

That was majority of the conversations I'd had with Pax over the following few weeks. Since he returned me to the mental hospital, the only people I'd seen were him and the nurses. I was allowed to have more visitors than that, I knew I was; it was only a small hospital, that dealt with issues like anxiety, depression and PTSD. But Pax wasn't letting anyone in. This hospital wasn't for the overly crazy, psychotic people, either; it was more to help the people who were struggling with everyday life.

I only just made it into that category.

"I'm sorry it had to turn out like this," my brother murmured, smothering his face in his hands. "If I could go back and change it all, just for you, I would. I would have-"

"What, you would've killed him yourself?" I interrupted, then furrowed my eyebrows together tightly, looking down at my hands as I sat up in my bed. "Sorry," I murmured quietly, frowning, but Pax shook his head.

"No, it's fine," he sighed. "Great, even; at least you're talking about it now, right? You might not be able to talk about it 'out there' but you can talk to me about it, which is an improvement."

"What good is it if I can only admit to someone what I did when they were literally there to witness it themselves?" I shot back, upset. "I'm not getting better, Pax, I'm just going downhill. I should've ended it when I had the chance."

"You say that one more time and I'm never going to let you out of this god-damned hospital, do you hear me?" Pax snapped, and I looked up, eyes wide. He looked tired, to say the least; his lightly coloured brown hair was sticking up at every possible angle, and he hadn't had a shower in a few days. His eyes looked bloodshot or bruised; I couldn't tell, to be honest, and he was paler than he was before the crash. It seemed I'd succeeded in scaring him; he didn't want to leave my side on the fear that I'd jump out of bed and try to force myself out the window next. I felt guilty, of course I did, and I had tried many times to convince him I wasn't going to do anything like that again. But he didn't believe me, and I didn't really blame him. I wouldn't believe me, either.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, ducking my head. "I forget, that's all."

"The day you quit scaring me will be the day Rye stops sulking about you," he muttered, leaning back in his chair. I looked up quickly, eyes wide.

"He-?"

"It's not your fault, okay?" Pax interrupted, pushing away from my bed with his arms crossed over his chest. "He just- I didn't think you could handle seeing him. You haven't seen him since he got hit, and you don't know how bad it is."

"Please, just let me see him," I pleaded, creasing my eyebrows together hopefully. "I miss him so much, Pax; I just need to know he's alive, with my own eyes. Please."

I saw him hesitate, but I knew he wasn't going to disappoint me. He couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make me believe that none of what happened was my fault, and the only way I was going to understand that was if I witnessed things for myself, and processed them in my own time. I needed to do things for myself, no matter how hard it was and how much I didn't want to do it.

It was for the best, after all.

"Fine," he murmured, rubbing his forehead exasperatedly. "Fine. I'll just- I'll call him, okay? But he hasn't come in to see you since you got here, so don't be disappointed if he doesn't show up."

"He'll show up," I shot back, and Pax gave me a look before leaving me alone in my room, shutting the door behind him. With a heavy sigh, I climbed out of my bed and walked over to the window, pulling it open. As the fresh breeze hit my face, I breathed in deeply and let out all the stress I had in one exhale. That was what my psychiatrist told me to do when I was having bad thoughts. Let them out, as simply as if they were rocks in my hand. It kind of worked, too; I felt my heartbeat slow in my chest, and all the unnecessary worries I had cooped up in my head seemed distant, almost non-existent.