Even Broken People Need Love

28

6 Months Later... ****(DEALS WITH EDS AGAIN TRIGGER WARNING)*****

"Hey love." Dean came into my room, he had a tray with eggs, toast, and bacon. I gave him a smile, and patted the spot in front of me.

"Hey handsome, thanks for breakfast! Have some too." I said, splitting the eggs, giving more to him. He didn't notice, lucky me. "You can have the toast and bacon, I'm not very hungry." I gave him a reassuring smile.

"Hmm, you've lost a lot of weigh lately, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." I lied to him. I'm not fine, I've felt very fat lately, and I wanna be skinny again. Being 110 is too fat, I need to be 100 or less. And food is making me sick. I'm to fat, Dean should be able to lift me with ease, but instead I'm fat, and he has to heave me up. Ben was right, I am fat, and that's why Austin moved on. I haven't been able to get him out of my mind since the text and seeing him. It just makes me wanna scream and yell, and just let it all out. I know this isn't a good way to cope, but its how I cope.

"That's what they all say, you're not fine, you wouldn't lose that much weigh if you were fine. What's wrong. We both know you don't want to go down that road again, even if you don't want to admit it. No more lies Jessica."

"Am I fat?"

"No, why would you ever think that!? Is this about what that Ben kid said, because whatever he said is stupid, you're not fat!"

"I don't know..." Dean exploded.

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT HE THINKS. YOU'RE FUCKING PERFECT, YOU'RE NOT FAT, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE TOO SKINNY, SEEING YOUR RIBS WORRY ME! GOD DAMN YOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? FUCK, I LOVE YOU TO MUCH FOR THIS." He yelled at me, and stormed out. Oh fuck. I looked at my mom and dad who came to see what was happening.

*-*-*-*

"Why isn't Dean home yet?" I said, biting my finger nails.

"He's probably just staying at Jacob's.." My dad tried to convince me.

"What if I really blew it." I hadn't ate anything all day, other than the small portion of eggs, and I vomited those from nerves. I closed my eyes, tears begging to be let loose.

"I'm sure you didn't sweetie, right Hayden?" My mom replied. Then the front door opened, I ran to see who it was.

"Hey Alice.." I said, trying not to sound disappointment. It worked. She flung her body at me, she had been out of town when I got back 7 months ago, she was staying in a better place, with my grandparents, because with me and Dean in the mental hospital, and my parents working, left no one to tend to the little girl wrapped around my waist.

"JESSICA! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!" Then she touched around my waist, and realized she could fit her entire arms length around me. She looked up at me and frowned. "How much weigh have you lost?!" She cried. I turned around, pretending I didn't hear her. "Where's Austin?!" She shouted.

"Not home. He'll be home later, you must be sleepy, let's put you to bed." She was about to protest, but she yawned.

"Okayyyy."

*-*-*-*

It was 2am, I was sitting on the porch swing. I couldn't sleep knowing Austin wasn't here. I hugged my knees to my chest. Tear stained my cheeks. I closed them for what seemed to be a second, but it turned into an hour, when I finally heard a car come around the corner, they were driving crazy fast, and that's when I realized that was Dean and he was drunk. Anger, fear, and sadness pumped in my veins.

"Heyyyyy." Dean slurred. He was drunk.

"WHAT THE HELL?" The anger first. "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED YOU IDIOT!" Then the fear. "I'm sorry." Finally the sadness.

"I'm tired mommy." He whined, and fell onto me. I let out a squeak, as he fell on the ground. He was sound asleep, so I ran inside and got us some pillows and blankets. I curled up to him and put my head on his chest. I fell asleep to the sound of his heart beat.

*-*-*-*

I woke up before Dean, so I did as he did for me the previous day. I went into the house, and started making eggs and bacon. When everything was done, I got Advil and apple juice, put it on the tray and put it next to him. I hope he likes it. I watched his peaceful form for a moment, then went back in the house.

Alice begged me to watch a Barbie Princess movie with her, so I did. About half way through Dean came in the house, Alice jumped up, and ran at him, the look of fear took over his face. He pretended he didn't get drunk off his ass last night, and let her scream in his ear. It almost made me wanna laugh, but I didn't. I kept myself quiet. The had a quiet talk before Alice came in a told me Dean wanted to talk.

"You better be nice to my brother." Alice glared at me. I rolled my eyes. Kid's these days.

"You wanted to see me?" I said not even loud enough to hear, somehow he heard me. I watched as a frown formed on his face.

"I'm sorry for loosing it Jessica. I just couldn't handle anymore of you hating yourself, and I know yelling only makes it worst, but I couldn't help it anymore. It just kills me inside." I meekly nodded in understanding. I turned to go back to the movie, but Dean grabbed me.

"Dean, let go."

"No. Not until you forgive me. You don't understand." He sighed, I sighed louder.

"Then explain yourself, you have 10 minutes." I said, anger taking over again. "You have no fucking idea how worried I was last night when you didn't come home, and don't forget how hurt I feel. I stayed up til 3 fucking am for you! And you know how moody I get, you didn't even text me that you were okay." I said the last bit quieter.

"And I'm sorry. It started when I was about 5 or so..." And this is the place I find out I wasn't the only 10 year old starving myself.