Jema

16. Never Have I Ever

"Do you try talking to him?" I ask with a sarcastic laugh. If I weren't as close to Dennis and Corey as I am now, I don't know what I'd do.

"I guess we could try more," Cal says. God, you think?

1:29 p.m.

Mom gave me an extra fifty dollars, but I'd rather have Nicky pay for me and then I'll give the money back to her later. Nicky, unlike everyone else, doesn't feel bad for me. We sit over noodles and talk about gay things... well, I think we are.

"You've never been to a pride parade?!" Nicky exclaims.

"No, have you?" I ask.

"No, but I'm lame. You're amazing. I just assumed you've been to one," Nicky sighs. We're silent for a while. I don't feel the need to declare my gayness everywhere and stir up trouble. Nicky takes a picture of me while I take a giant bite of noodles.

"Nicky—"

"It's just Snapchat." Nicky smooths his hair back and takes a selfie. "Are you a virgin?" he asks out of nowhere. I almost spit out my macaroni.

"Are you?"

"Jema, don't be a dork. I am, too. It's fine."

Before I think about it, I blurt out. "I'm not a virgin." Nicky gasps. "I-I mean—"

Nicky is already tuned in and not looking back. "Oh. My. God. Tell me everything. Did you bottom? Was it weird? I'm so scared to have sex." I might as well tell him the truth. He never knew Santino, and I won't see Nicky after this, possibly at all.

"I didn't want to do it," I mumble. Nicky hears me though, and concern strikes his face instantly. "I was kinda forced, I guess."

"When?" he whispers.

"Long time ago," I shrug. Nicky isn't buying it. "I'm over it."

"Jema... tell me..." Nicky looks horrified at this point. His blue eyes are wide and his frown contorts his whole face.

I don't know where to start. I even pinch the skin on the inside of my thigh so I can brainlessly explain. "So I told you about the funeral I went to and it turns out the guy used to babysit me and he kinda touched me a lot and then when I was ten he made me... yeah... and I've been fucked up from that ever since then I'm pretty ashamed of literally everything and I'm 95% sure that's why I'm gay which is why it takes me so long to tell people."

Nicky's hand has been over his mouth through my whole spiel. "I hate that. What the fuck?" With every word, Nicky's eyes tear up. "Who would do that?"

"I don't really want to talk about it anymore," I say quickly. Nicky and I sit at the table in silence again, listening to the sounds of the street. My trembling starts to take over, and I have to sit on my hands to keep from shivering.

We start talking at the same time, and we both laugh the same laugh.

"You go," I sigh. Nicky shrugs. Then his face goes blank again, and he squints at nothing.

"I tried to kill myself once," he says plainly, not looking me in the eye. I don't say anything. I believe it. Just observing parts of Nicky's life makes it completely probable. His siblings didn't know if he was gay for sure, which is so blatantly obvious. And his mom seems to ignore just about everything. If William carried his great parenting skills between both me and Nicky, we're probably on the same page about him.

It suddenly starts to get really cold outside, but we don't move. There's a store playing solemn music, and everything sounds like a movie soundtrack with fuzzy overtones. This was supposed to be a fun lunch, but there's so much ache between us, I just want the world to stop.