Jema

12. Piecing it Together

The last time I saw Toby so pissed was when we got kicked out of a movie theater in the city for making out too much. It wasn't even a movie theater. It was just a showing of old movies. Nobody could even really see us, and there was a guy and girl right behind us who didn't get yelled at. Toby didn't argue with the movie theater guy, but instead just left in complete silence while squeezing my hand hard enough so my bones felt like they were rubbing together.

And he cracked the windshield of his car with an empty beer bottle.

"How fuckin' dare you look me in my face and act like I don't care 'bout you?" Toby's tone is mock-calm. It terrifies me. God, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach: a dull sickness molded entirely of fear. It's so unlike him. His tone is too adult-like. It's the same tone everyone has used to intimidate me, and by god, it works.

"I never meant it like that and you know it," I say to my shoes.

"Don't- don't you dare- act like I asked you to get in that goddamn car and leave. I never got a goddamn bye from you, Jem. I wanted everything good for you and with you and you sit here-" Toby takes off his jacket, throwing it aside before approaching fast to get right in my face, "-with your selfish ass and blame me? Like I wanted you to leave me here? I wanted you to go live a fuckin' life, Jema, not completely leave me."

"I told you I wanted to stay," I say through my teeth.

"Oh, yeah? Mhmm, how many people been stabbed at your new school, Jem? Hmm?" Toby swipes a tear from his eye quickly. My mouth stays shut. "Yeah? How many times the police been in there for a drug search, Jem? How many times you been robbed or-or had to carry your pocket knife in your new school? How many times you hear 'bout girls gettin' raped in the bathrooms during football games?" Toby doesn't let up. As he seethes, he brings his hand up to swipe a tear from under his eye every once in a while.

Lowden is a horrible place.

"Cut it out," I warn.

"What? You too damn prideful to admit that you're in a better place now?! I wanted you to leave here 'cause you're smart 'nd you got somethin' ahead of ya, but you thought that meant to shut me out? That's bull. Bull!" Toby kicks the wall beside my leg while I wince in fear. "I gotta go up to a damn funeral for a creep and pretend I liked him," Toby snaps.

I can feel the heat drain from my face. At that moment, I completely back into the wall.

My voice is barely a whisper. "What?"

"Santino was a creep. Liked kids too much but damn, we'll never admit that. And seein' all those people with their tears and shit, actin' like that ten year old boy killed himself last year for nothin'-" Toby stops to take a few deep breaths. It's been nothing but a ranting frenzy since I stepped in here. "You got no idea how good you got it. If anything, I wanted to go with you, Jem. You're so selfish thinkin' that I didn't care."

I try to respond comprehensively, but my mouth just opens and closes like a fish. This is all too much to take in. "He killed himself?" I whisper.

"Ten years old. And everyone knows why he did, but ain't nobody gonna say a thing about Santino. Are you listening to me? That boy was harassed and raped and god knows what else but nobody says a thing so he figure he gotta kill himself. Ten years old. That shouldn't happen, but here in Lowden it does. You got no right actin' like it would've been better if you stayed here. You can't blame me or your mama or Rob for takin' you to a better place."

"I'm gonna throw up," I grumble, sliding down to the floor and trying to calm my lungs. "God, I hate everyone. I hate this so much." Toby joins me on the floor, tilting my chin up. "I'm sorry," I manage to squeak out.