Critical (Cara Delevingne&Kendall Jenner)

Chapter 10: Deep thoughts

Kendall

April

April. I always hated this month. Not just because of the weather but because all exams are scheduled in one month. Usually, I managed to get through well and end the year well but I don't think I'll manage it this year. Not because I wouldn't be capable, no. Far from that. I've always been straight A student but this year some messed up things striked in.

Me and Jason are together again, we managed to talk everything through and now everything is good. I realized that being with him is healthy for me, his presence is calming me down. The electricity that we have when our hands meet is making me forget the world and everything that's around me, it's like there's only me and him and nobody else. He makes me forget about Jamie for a while. Loving her isn't exactly the best thing for me because it leads to me wanting to be alone, and once I'm alone I start craving her. As soon as that happens, I realize I can never have her and that brings saddness and depression.

Watching her with other guys, all happy and blushy got me to the point where I can't take it anymore. I can't take any more of her giggles around guys, any more deep looks she gives me, any more love I feel for her. She's just messing me up, and I reached the point where even getting high or getting drunk doesn't help me anymore. She'd always end up being the one I'd be thinking about at 2 am. She'd always end up being the one I'd wish for to be next to me and tell me that she loves me. Whenever I'm around her I just want to brush her cheek with my thumb, look her deeply in her eyes and tell her I love her, and nothing more or less.

But as I said, that'll never happen and I'm doing my best to move on. It doesn't hurt. It just... It feels empty. Like nothing is left to stay for. Nothing left to love. Like she's just another star that lived and died. But to move on from someone you truly love you need time. For the past two months I've been craving to forget about her more than craving her. But I don't have the strenght to go any further. Maybe I just have to wait for my heart to voluntarily give up.

"Hey," I say quietly as I look at my reflection in the mirror. I notice black bags under my eyes, my messy hair and my cheekbones. My eyes are all red and puffy from staying up all night, I wasn't able to shut my eyes for a split second because I've been thinking of Jamie.

She really isn't healthy for you, Kendall. She might not know what you feel and you might not know her well but you know she wouldn't take well the news about you loving her. You know what she thinks about 'un-straight' people, as she named gay and bisexual people. She might not know you're bisexual, and she doesn't need to know, either. Just... Forget about her.

But if there's one thing I believe in, then I believe in falling in love. Falling in love is so unconditional. So spontanous. So easy. I believe that no matter your sexuality you can fall in love with someone the same gender. Because at the end of the day, you fall in love with the personality.

I glance around the class as I feel a paper toss hit my head. I raise my eyebrow at Emily just to find her smirking.

'What was that for?' I mouth to her and she smirks again.

'Wakey wakey, bitch,' she mouths back. A small smile appears on my lips as I mouth back to her 'hoe' and look away. She sheaks her head and smiles.

"Miss Jenner? Is there a problem?" The teacher asks and I turn my head up to look at her.

"No," I reply with a glare and look away. I hear Emily giggle and I glare at her, too. She just scoffs and shows me her middle finger. In response, I make a kiss face and send her a kiss. She smirks and turns her eyes back on the board.

"Emily Reid and Kendall Jenner, please leave the classroom right now," the teacher says while writing examples of algorythm on the board. I roll my eyes and get up from my seat as I grab my stuff and head out the classroom. I slam the door and search for my locker.

"Kendall? Where are you going?" Emily shouts behind me. I keep on walking, not minding her at all. "Kendall!"

"I'm going out. Are you going to join me or would you rather bore yourself for another," I say and glance at my watch, "twenty minutes that are left?" She just sighs and starts walking towards me. "Good girl, I thought so," I mumble and gain myself a glare from her with that sentence.

"You know what? That's our last period, isn't it? So why wouldn't we just go instead?" Emily says as she turns towards me. I raise my eyebrow.

"Sure, we could. Let's go then," I smile and take my leather jacket.

______________________________________________

I take another bite of my pizza before throwing it away as me and Emily sit on the bus station two miles from our school. She just laughs as she snaps a picture of me and sends it to some of our classmates.

"They are suffering while we're enjoying," I laugh and she joins me. "I can't believe that stupid teacher actually made them stay for another period," I say and pull one cigarette out of my pack. Emily just rolls her eyes on me.

"Why are you smoking, Kendall? You're way too pretty for that. You'll get lung cancer and die," Emily scoffs and attempts to take my cigarette away from me.

"Nice try, but no. Ems do you know what I absolutely hate?" I ask and light up my cigarette. She raises her eyebrow at me. "That people tell me how bad smoking is for me. Babe, I know how bad it is. I know it's killing me. I know it's not good. Do you know how many people told me how bad smoking is and that I should quit? Yet, I'm still smoking," I say as I blow the smoke out of my mouth. I notice her giving me all her attention. "But y'all only see the smoke that's blowing out my mouth. What about the smoke that's inside my lungs? You don't see that, right? You only see it when I blow it out."

"I'm not sure what are you trying to say here," she says slowly. I sigh and take a deep look inside her eyes.

"It means that you only see that I'm smoking, but you don't know why. You may assume why but I'm sure you don't really know why," I say and take another deep inhale. If you'd only know, Emily. If you'd only know how much I love your cousin, and it's driving me crazy. If you'd only know how much I want to tell you that but I'm too afraid of your reaction. If you'd only know how much pain does the nicotine take away and how many feelings does one cigarette kill.

I notice Emily's eyes are lost somewhere and I poke her cheek with my middle finger. As she doesn't respond, I become interested in the thing she's watching and I turn my head in the direction she's looking.

And that's when I see her. The one and only. My one and only. Jamie Rellis.