Amethyst || Harry Styles

Fifty-eight

Fifty-eight

I lie awake and unable to sleep. I keep trying to close my eyes to get at least an hour, but my body doesn't allow it. Even though I have been sleeping alone in this bed for four days now, it still feels odd and foreign.

I miss Jasmine so much but I just don't know what to think of her. I feel so betrayed. From the lies, from sneaking behind my back. I just can't forget the way Ella was so upset that night. She was crying because she was so worried something bad happened to Jasmine. But Jasmine was fine—more than fine actually since she was out partying the night away.

I don't feel anger now that I think back to the situation. Instead I just feel disappointment. I really thought she was done with all of those stuff. I thought that she changed and became that amazing role model for Ella. But I was wrong.

I don't know what to do, to be honest. And I know that I can't keep avoiding this situation, but I need to come to a conclusion about how I am feeling and thinking before I can talk to her.

When it hear the birds chirping and the sun rising, that is when I say fuck it and climb out of bed. I brush my teeth and take a shower before changing into black jeans and a white t-shirt. I quickly dry my hair as best as I could with my towel before going into the kitchen.

I make a cup of coffee for myself, not having an appetite to have anything else. If I get some food in my stomach, I think it would just come right back out. I am so nervous about today. I don't think I am ready to face Nicole after almost six years, but she is coming her whether I want her to or not. I just want to get it out of the way, but at the exact same time I don't want it to happen. I am terrified of Ella's reaction. I am scared she is going to get attached to her because I don't want her to. I feel rude for saying that, but I have every right to—she is my child, not Nicole's.

I wish Jasmine is here with me right now. She would know exactly what to say to help me calm my nerves because right now my mind is buzzing with all the different scenarios that could happen.

I look at the clock and see that it is 8:30 in the morning. Nicole is coming at 11 o'clock with her fiancé.

I sit down on the sofa with my second cup of coffee as I watch the morning news channel. I hear my phone ring so I quickly go to my room to grab it before sitting back down on the sofa.

Gemma: How are you feeling?

Me: I'm so fucking nervous. I didn't get any sleep last night.

Gemma: You told Ella though, right?

Me: Uhhhh, kinda...

Gemma: What do you mean, H...

Me: I said someone is going to visit today but I didn't tell her who exactly. I'm going to do it later before Nicole comes. I was just scared of her reaction. What if I told her last night and she wouldn't be able to sleep?

Gemma: That's true, I suppose. But you have to tell her—and not right the second before they come!

Me: I know.

Gemma: So how are you feeling about Jasmine?

Me: I don't know...

Gemma: Lauren told me how she's doing. Do you want to know?

Me: Yes.

Gemma: She said that Jasmine is extremely guilty. She knows what she did was very wrong. She is getting help for smoking addiction and she's volunteering for Action For Children.