So you want a Review (SYWAR)

*Review 33*

misslullaby_

Helloooo.....it's me. I've been wondering when you would ask me about your review....it's not secret...that I've done alo~~~t...*Pauses, seeing you in the mirror* Oh! You're here!

I know, I know you're probably wondering why in the universe am I doing another review, well...I got like, alot, alot alot request sitting in archive called my "N-box" so I figured why not do another one. 

This story is actually....one I wouldn't tap on because the summary tells me whats going to happen...I donwanna-know tha~t. *Pouts*

Summary: MY NAME IS INES PATIENCE ARCHER. I DIED YESTERDAY, APPROXIMATELY AT 11:47 PM NOVEMBER 10. I WAS ONLY 18. I WAS COMING HOME FROM  A PART I NEVER WANTED TO GOT TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SHOULD A BE FEW FEET BURIED UNDERGROUND WITH A TOMB STONE THAT READ THE DATE OF MY BIRTH AND DEATH, WITH A CHEESY LINE WRITTEN ACROSS IT ABOUT MY LIFE.

YEAH. I SHOULD BE DEAD. BUT I'M NOT. AND I'M NOT A VAMPIRE, OR WEREWOLF, OR ANYTHING OF THAT SORT. I AM PERFECTLY STILL HUMAN. I THINK. I'M FOOD NOW.SOMETHING THEY CALL ETERNAL SOURCE. BUT  STILL HUMAN MOSTLY.

BUT HE ISN'T HUMAN AT ALL. A VAMPIRE. A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER. AND I AM HIS ARMARANTHINE. I AM NOT HIS MATE. I AM NOT ANYTHING BUT SOURCE TO HIM. BUT HE IS MY EVERYTHING. HE IS MY ETERNAL LOVE. 

......SO....TIRING TO READ~~~*rubbing the bridge of nose* something about ^^^^^ sumary is it is telling you everything....EVERYTHING!

I....*eyes waver* will....urgh, re write it....but this is merely an example. okay...leggo!

Example:

I died yesterday. <<<<start with this line. 

I think it was around 11:47, who would think that I would die coming from a party I wasn't planning on attending?

I guess the jokes on me. Anyway, I guess it's weird that a dead girl is telling this story, huh? But the even odder thing is...I''m not dead. 

Instead I've found myself caught in a inescapable situation with a man named Jerias and he's claiming I'm now his eternal source. Whatever that is.

Well...aside from that, I can't help but feel drawn to him even though everything is telling me to stay away from him. 

Here's to me trying to adapt to this  super odd death that has dropped into my lap. I wonder...can survive this to?

---Ines Archer

See...I feel like that tells everything, and nothing...it's what makes me go, "Oh, I wonder whats this about?" 

Something about your summary is heavy...too heavy...oka~y....looove youu *heart*

Chapter one...here we come!

I would prefer if you actually shoes us the scene of her at the party....it's okay to narrate the opening to that night. But I feel like your mixing up between narrating and first person view writing. But, I would have enjoyed it more if we saw her at the party, and her emotion when she discovered the guy she liked with he "Girlfriend" and it's disappointing that you didn't do that. 

I'm noticing this trend through out the chapter of scene that should have been actually written, I honestly don't know whether you didn't have the time, or just didn't  think you were capable but from you're writing it's clearly something you can, and should do. 

A chapter could have been her going to the party, then leaving followed by the accident. 

Then the second one the night visits and her awakening during them, the minute she feels the need to escape, and her failing by jerias stopping her. 

then you could skip to her feeling better and formally meeting him. 

I do enjoy you dialogue, truly....your really good at pace and timing and their is a good steady rythm between them. 

Chapter Two..

I do indeed like this story, *throws up in the corner, sighs and stands walking over to the computer* I hope you know...I hate liking people stories....it's an allergy, I even have a doctors note...seriously...

Moving on, put-pput--ppputyyy.    .    .ANYWAY! 

.... I have feeling...you're going to rush this romance thing....I can feel it, because from where I'm sitting this should be a hundred chapters of push and pull. The girl should reject any idea of wanting to be with Jerias...simply because she might want to return her life...it doesn't make any sense that she doesn't want to, or that she doesn't have any dreams or ambitions for her future... If she doesn't have any of these then....it's an  interesting character but...still empty.

STOP RUSHING THE STORY IN PARAGRAPHS....IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME! ah! i mean to the fans *looks around nervously* please...stop...its not nice...

Chapter Three

I feel like Salana....shouldn't have gone all into that, honestly...because it would have been more puzzling if she merely kept sending sad looks to Ines during this period and saying ambiguous things. 

Something like, "Master doesn't have a," She paused something dark moving across her eyes, "good history with the Armanthine..." Salans trailed off as she continued picking up clothes here and there. Leaving me to wonder what she meant by a 'bad history'."

Don't lay it out there, drop seeds, brush it against the readers mind, force it in our mouth. 

.....The ending was good...but something like....

I still miss him...but I shouldn't.

I still want him...I don't want to. 

I still need him...I shouldn't.

That makes more apart of her struggle and it tugs at the readers heart, takes it from vampire romance. To Vampire story...with more complication. A vampire journey lol.

You do have mistakes such as, missing words, and not putting at certain words, you need to read aloud some of your chapters. 

OKAY!! I'LL BE HONEST THIS IS ONE OF THE FEW STORIES I ACTUALLY READ TILL THE LAST CHAPTER....IT'S INTRIGUING I ENJOYED IT, BUT...I'M UPSET BECAUSE THIS AUTHOR HAS TALENT, THAT SHE FELL INTO AN LAZY ART (I ASSUME) WHERE ONE RUSHES THE STORY LINE....THE AUTHOR KNOW WHAT I MEAN...ESPECIALLY WITH THE THIS ABOUT JERIAS FATHER...IT'S TOO FAST DROP CRUMBS, CRUMBS THAT bam! HIT IN THE FACE WITH EVERYTHING. 

ANWAY, GO CHECK OUT Amaranthing: Eternal love...oh add BWWM to your titles it should be Amaranthine: BWWM...more readers will click on your story....ANYWAY CHECK IT OUT, DON'T LIKE MY OPINION? ARGUE BELOW TSK

SYWAR OUTTY!!