Another one, here for the masses to indulge and for me to gleefully hope to have a lot to excruciatingly comb over, and analyze. Now, shall we begin...Le'go!
Summary: Esmeralda is the heir to her father's kingdom. She discards jewels and ignorance for a front-row view of the war tearing Llyssinda apart. As her Queen and King's lifeline to the land threatens to die, she must overcome fear to take her rightful place before it is too late.
Armed with an army of hungry men and women willing to die for her and power blessed by the Heavens, she must join forces with her lands old rival, Bylssinda. To do so she must marry Bylssinda's heir, Prince Alexander Lyson Rupport III.
It's too bad that marriage doesn't make him any less arrogant, but he is capable. The question is: Is her power and his skills enough to save everything they love dearly?
Chapter One
In the second chapter the character says that she "Litterally Trips" that isn't needed, it stutters the reading flow. When writing fanatasy, or anything really, you must keep the voice strongly in the time period and frame of mind. One word, can make the reading disjointed.
Third paragraph, ", Then" isn't needed, the comma if fine but 'then' trips me up.... (Ya-ya, so happy to have something to say...yep)
This chapter is good, in fact it is very good for an opening chapter. I'm sure not many would see why I enjoyed it, but here is the facts the writer has been able to tell us everything without an abundance of overly flower words, and deep, deep burgeoning detail.
A: She is the heir, but she isn't the only royal.
B:Her relationshop with her mother isn't one of the best.
C: Despite the obvious existence of her cousins, she is the heir, and their country is at war.
D: why she would hate the other country.
All lined up neatly, and easy to digest.
Chapter Two
I do enjoy the dressing of her here, the scene is interesting and gives me, as a reader of what time frame, and royal like tradition we will be observing.
As a whole, this chapter is good as well. I do enjoy the writer style; I wonder why it's on hold. I'm a fan of writing, till finished.... you get more feedback that way, because essentially your writing is rough draft, and you have the ability to get the opinion of a large community.
Isn't that awesome.
Chapter Three.
Hmmmm I noticed all the jargon below, from some *cough* reputable reviewers but I'm more concerned with the story it self , I like were it's going...there is a certain vibe that I would love to see, maybe a little more grit, and little more mother and daughter time.
She's "choosen" but why? Her mother seems to be a witch as well, so that would be interesting to explore. I need more about the family, her royal setting, her posisition MORE!!!
I NEED MORE MYSTER, and some flashes of the guy would color the chapters a bit more.
For instance it's nice that her mother clcearly is abeauty, but how about a scene along the lines of.
IDEA!
The gown was tight, the shoes pinching but the worse part of the whole charade was my mother's smile. The queen glanced over me with feign pleasure, and approval.
My mother was a beauty, but that beauty was practice, something that had been pounded into her by tutors and governesses. Yet, for me the number of tutors and governesses didn't matter. I would never be like her, living happily in this gilded cage placed upon me since birth.
The shadows were swiftly closing in on our country, and I would be the golden lamb to be sacrafices...yet, even in that sacrifice I had hoped to find freedom.
"Princess Esmerelda?" Hearing my name, I lifted my head, and stayed the expression of annoyance that would have swiftly over taken it. At the sight of Rupert, another distasteful character I glanced at father, his expression seeming to be carved out of stone. No one liked Rupert. No one.
(This is simply an example of the vibe, I want to see. I took some liberty and just wrote a scene...some humor, satirical and biting would fit this monologue greatly. I would suggest, pride & prejudice, or game of throne, even some Merlin to get the dialogue down. I can see you're having issues with it, as this would be considered Historical Fantasy, add that to your tags,)
Anywa GO PEOPLE, GO FORTH AND READ HONOR BOUND!!!
SYWAY OUT, AND HAPPY FOURTH!
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