Pain

Freedom

        Jace squeezes my hand trying to lend me courage as we stare at my house. Inside my mom and Ashley are waiting for me. I know that once I go through that door, I'm going to have to answer some questions I'd rather ignore. I shake my head. I have to do this; it's time we sort this out, and start putting it behind us. Taking a deep, steadying breath I let go of his hand. I have to do this alone. He leans against the car, and I head to my own front door.

        Hesitating with my hand over the knob I glance back at Jace. He nods his head urging me on. I turn back around, open the door, and walk inside. Quietly I close the door behind me sealing myself inside to face whatever's going to come next alone. Cautiously I walk inside, and head for the living room. I see everyone before they see me. Ashley and mom on the couch, cops circling the room doing their various jobs. When everyone finally sees me everything goes quiet, and they all just stare.

        Ashley is the first to move. After her initial shock she stands and slowly walks towards me. She looks so angry, and upset I don't know what to expect. She stops after she's 5 feet from the couch. She opens her mouth and at first she can't get anything to come out.

        "Why didn't you tell me?!"

        She screams the words, making me flinch. It doesn't deter her though. She just stands there, staring at me.

        "Well?" she snaps.

        I flinch again.

        "Why didn't I tell you what?" I whisper.

        She rolls her eyes, and laughs an angry laugh. "Why didn't you tell me anything! You never talked about that night. About how you felt. Why didn't you TALK to me?"

        I stare at her, but she just keeps going.

        "You made me think you didn't care. That you were fine, and everything was okay. I thought you didn't even need me anymore. I was worried, but you didn't even care. I just don't understand how you could have been so stupid. You should have talked to me. You should have tried to let someone in-"

        Scoffing I cut her off midsentence.

        "Do you really want to know why I wouldn't talk to anyone? Why I wouldn't tell you what was happening with me, or talk to you about that night? I was trying to protect you. All of you. I didn't want you guys to get hurt knowing my story and what I was going through, because it was bad enough that I had to go through it but putting the people I loved through it? That just wasn't right. But you really want to know my story? Huh? WELL DO YOU?!"

        They all stare at me open mouthed, and Ashley goes speechless. I keep going.

        "That night I told you I was going to get another drink. When I went in all the Jack Daniels was gone, so I went to get something else but I'd already had a lot to drink. I stumbled and would have fallen if he hadn't helped me. Only he never let me go, and instead he pulled me back. I tried to fight but I was to drunk, I tried to scream for help but it was to loud and no one heard me. He pulled me into a room, and pushed me onto the bed. I felt pain as he violated me, and when he was done he marked me as his property. After that everyone stared at me. They whispered about me. I held in my story and I held in how I felt because I was protecting YOU. The sad part was the only one who said anything to me about how I couldn't do it alone was someone I didn't even know then. Jace was the one who helped me. People even made fun of me, and someone grabbed me. When I froze they mocked me, and it all made me shut down. Like I did when my dad died. You remember that don't you?"

        I see the horrified expression on her face and I know that she's completely caught up in the story. I know everyone else must be too. I don't care though. I'm telling Ashley, and I don't care what anyone else has to think about it right now.

        "Somehow Jace found out, and he tried to replay that night with me. I didn't understand it, but now I know he was trying to bring me back to myself. It worked. I flipped out on him, but then everyone saw my scar and it got worse. I knew that things could only ever get worse, so I told you we were over because once again I was protecting YOU. After a while I made up with Jace and things started to get better. Barely but at least it was something. Until one night I went to leave his house, so I could see my mom and Lewis came back. Figures he would have to come back when my emotions and memories had stopped eating away at me all the time. Anyways he put chloroform over my mouth. He took me to a house, and hung me like a piece of meat. Then he proceeded to torture me. Using whips, knives, hot pokers, water. You saw the videos. And when he asked me about you guys I wouldn't tell him anything, just like you saw. Since I defied him he made the sessions worse. But I still never told him a thing. I did it for YOU Ashley. So don't go and blame me for not talking to you, because it was to protect you!"

        Everyone stares at me after I'm finished. Tears stream down my face, and I can feel that my face is flushed. Ashley's crying too, and suddenly it's only me and her in the room. Everyone else has faded into the background, it's only me and my best friend. She slowly and purposefully walks over tentatively reaching out to hug me. I tense slightly, but I don't back away. I can hear the smile in her voice as she whispers,

        "Thank you Emma. I'm so sorry. I love you sis."

        I smile my own smile and whisper back, "I love you too," and then we're both sinking to the floor, clinging to each other, and bawling our eyes out.

        My mom comes over and hugs me after Ashley and me finally detach ourselves. She only holds onto me for a minute though; I don't think I would've been able to take much more than that. After she let go she smiled and said,

        "I love you baby." before walking to the kitchen.

        I went out and got Jace. When he came inside we sat on the couch, and I fell asleep in his arms.

        The last therapy session I had, I actually talked to her. Ended up telling her my whole story. How it felt. I didn't hold anything back, and you should have seen her face. She was so happy I finally opened up she could've cracked her face in half with the smile she had on. After my therapy session me and Jace went to the church I'd been avoiding for years now. Right now we're sitting in the pews waiting for the Pastor to start.

        I feel calm, and happy as we sit there with Jace's arm around my shoulders. Ashley's sitting to my left and my mom is sitting next to her. Jace pulls me back from my thoughts, squeezing my arm once the Pastor has started. The first thing that comes out of his mouth confirms my belief. We're going to move on, and put this behind us. I'm going to be free and happy. I smile to myself and settle down to hear what the Lord has for me. For us.

Psalm 119:105

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."