Safe

Wrong

Moving to New Hampshire Count Down: 3 weeks 3 days

After what happened at school on Monday(Ruby telling me about her father) she came back to my house. We spent the day in my room looking at old pictures, talking, laughing, and a shit ton of making out. She texted her parents telling them she was staying at a friends house. Her justification for not telling them who's house was "I'm not really lying." 

"So, I've decided." Ruby put her hand on my shoulder and said this out of the blue. We have been sitting quietly on our phones. "I'm going to kidnap you."

"What?" I couldn't help but laugh at her sudden change of personality. She's never been so blunt about something before. I like this Ruby, she should be like this more.

"I don't want you to leave, you're not going to be able to stay with Alister, and I don't want to stay with my parents. So, I'm going to kidnap you and we're going to run away."

I couldn't tell if she's being serious or not. She wasn't laughing, but I can't imagine her ever doing something like that. 

"Ruby. Just because I moving doesn't mean we're not gonna talk. We can FaceTime, we can text, we can call, all of it. I'm not going to lose connection with you because were a few states apart."

"Yeah, but-" I put my index finger up to her lips so she would stop talking. I overthink enough as it is, I don't need her to overthink for me.

"No. No buts. I promise." I gently kissed her forehead and I saw her eyes shut. "Ruby, do you feel what I feel?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like," I re-positioned on the bed so my foot was under my other leg and I could see all of Ruby.

"Finally I found someone to share with. I found a person to talk to-whom happens to also be fucking beautiful-a person to just be around. We don't even have to talk and we're having a good time. Ya know? So, I finally have all this-all in one person- and I have to move? Why does karma hate me?" I was trying to be funny but all Ruby did was stare at my face with the look someone gives you before they say something heart wrenching.

"I..." Ruby began and I already knew what she was going to say. She isn't actually gay or this was one big prank and she has a hidden microphone or she doesn't like me or whatever. "I, um. I love you." Ruby furrowed her eye brows and asked me more than told me. 

"You, what?"

"Don't make me say it again." She rolled her eyes as if it was cute. 

"Well." She doesn't love me, she loves my presence, the fact that I was there for her, but she doesn't love me. She doesn't know me. I've only been talking to her for, two weeks? "You don't love me. I don't think you even know what love is." I wasn't trying to be rude. It what I though. She's never seen love. Between her parents and her friends, she's been in one toxic relationship after another.

"What? You can't just decide what I feel or not. Fuck! What's your problem? I just told you I love you and you're telling me that I don't? Do you even understand how emotions work? They're mine!" She jumped of the bed and I followed her. We were several feet apart, which is probably good. Ruby was using her hands to talk. "I can feel them, you can't. And you know what, maybe I was was caught up in the moment and the sentimentality and fact that you'll leave me in 3 weeks, but so what? I still feel it!"

"I'm sorry, Ruby. I just think you're getting attached too quickly. You're right, I'm leaving. Have you ever seen love? Huh?" I got in her face with out meaning too. I don't know why this got me so angry. She didn't do anything wrong or mean.

"Fuck you, Sky!" She covered her face and ran out of my house. I didn't want to chase her. She's being childish. She's freaking out. I'm already stressed. I'm sure she'll go home or to
Lexi's and explain that it's all a phase or something. I couldn't care less, she can do whatever she wants. I'm leaving. I'm never going to see her again, anyway. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Where's the girl?" 

"Not now Al, I'm tired and don't feel like dealing with your over privileged ass." I snapped. I've always been good at insults. I think quickly on my feet and have a colorful vocabulary.

"Jesus, Sky. What crawled up your but and died?" 

"Al. Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up."

I made sure he heard ever word. It's very important he understands the gravity of the situation.

"Are you having your," he leaned in and whispered, "lady time?" I swatted away his hand and flipped him off as I walked back up the stairs. Maybe I am PMSing. But, that's not his place to say anything. I haven't had my period in a while. I've never been with a dude, so I know I'm not pregnant. Being athletic sometimes throws your period off. Probably that. 

I decide to watch That 70's Show before going to bed. I don't remember what the episode was about, I was thinking too much. I was thinking about Ruby. About her confession, about how I reacted, about how I was... scared. I figured it out. I was scared. She wasn't, I put the uncertainty on her end. She knew what she wanted. I made her question herself, even though she was so certain. I made her feel like she was wrong. I'm not really sure how to express what I'm feeling. I was so terrified that someone could love me, could accept me, and could tell me all of that. I was terrified. And I made her feel like she didn't know what she wanted. How I'm I supposed to come back from this? How are my supposed to face her and tell her that I was wrong? I am never wrong. And now, now that I have a person who cares about me, now I am wrong.