Losing Control

Chapter Nineteen

It was like that feeling you get when you are trapped underwater. That horrible drowning feeling, knowing that you can't claw your way out of the mess you are in. Back when I was in jail, there was this one time when the thug, the one that took away my innocence and my first time, he held me down under water so I couldn't breathe. As I always did, I begged for the end to come. I wished that this man holding my head under a prison toilet bowl full of unsanitary water would be the death of me. But I carried on living. Is this what my life was meant to be? One cruel moment after another? Harrison had woken. He had survived being run over by my fucker of a brother. And yet.....it wasn't the same him. The way he was looking at me right now was the way the judge had looked at me when he sent me down. It was the way everyone who dealt with me back in those days looked at me. Harrison was the only person who had believed my innocence right from the start. The only one who had never seen me as a monster. But in just a few moments, that had all changed.

If I spoke, if I protested his words, would my voice even work? I couldn't be sure. Harrison still had that scared, disgusted look in his eyes. The nurse had widened her eyes at the news I was a murderer. She looked afraid of me. Did I go and find Reggie? Or did I stay here and get Harrison to see the truth?

I stumbled back, my hand reaching for the door, never taking my eyes off Harrison.

"Listen, it's me. I'm...I'm not who you think I am. Harrison....please, it's me. Please."

Tears sprang to my eyes and I hated myself for it. I sounded like a moaning kid who couldn't have candy at the store. I was so desperate to make him see that it was me, that it was his brain injury making him think bad things that I didn't even remember the nurse was standing there until she spoke, her voice shaking.

"He's...he's right. You are that murdering kid. The one who murdered the old man. You were splattered all over the news. It didn't register at first because it's been years and you are a man now, but it's you. You are a murderer."

I shook my head violently. I had never realised until this moment just how much it mattered to me now that my name be cleared. I no longer owed anything to my Mom. I had promised her on her deathbed that I would look after Cooper and I had nearly given my life up for him to try. It was about time I took responsibility for what I had done, which was nothing. And it was all down to Harrison. It was all down to the fact that he knew, he had always known that it wasn't me. He made me want to be better. He made me want to be someone who other people thought good things about.

"No. NO." I shouted. I hadn't meant to, but the anger and upset was all spiralling out of control, I just... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I didn't kill Billy. I am not a murderer." I looked at Harrison laying there on the hospital bed, his eyes still fearful. "Harrison, you have to tell her, you have to realise.....you know who I am. I'm just, it's me. Noah. Noah Woods who would never hurt you. I didn't hurt Billy. I didn't do it."

My voice croaked at the end of my speech, through anger or sadness, I couldn't quite tell.

The nurse pressed the emergency bell next to Harrison's bed, her finger pointing in my face.

"You shouldn't even be here. How did you break out of prison? How are you here? You need to go. I've rung the bell and I will be sending for the police."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I shook my head again, my face probably looking more angry than I had meant it to as I stepped towards the nurse. I realised I looked aggressve but I couldn't help it.

"Stop making a scene. I have served my time, I have every right to be here. Just let me talk to Harrison, please. He will know who I am if it's just us two. Please."