the tightly packed chapel smelled of perfume and embalming fluid as i made my down the aisle between the pews.
all around me are faces, some familiar, some completely unknown to me, and probably Shawn too.
'i'm sorry's were being shared left and right, but none of them seemed genuine, and none of them seemed to soothed me.
my head throbbed and my toes were numb, a common feeling throughout these last 3 days, a feeling that i can't seem to shake.
my emotions have been weighing me down and and i can't seem to get them off my shoulders, but then again, they're the last thing i have of him, the feelings.
i wanted so badly for the coffin to disappear and for the Shawn that i once knew to step out, just as lively as i had seen him laughing and singing and living his dream 3 days prior, but a part of me convinced the rest of my being that i was being stupid. he was gone.
i took my seat in the front row, receiving pats on shoulders and sympathetic 'sorry for your loss's, but i had zoned out of reality.
all i could see of him were a few strands of hair and his pale fingers with his grandfather's ring from the side view of the open casket, but i convinced myself to look away.
when someone you love dies, you expect the happy memories to flood in, bringing sun to your thunderstorm, but the truth is, when Shawn left me, the memories seemed to go with him.
all the memories of the countless nights that we spent together vanished from my head without a trace, leaving me with more room in my mind to fill with grief.
i hung my head as i heard the soft pats of the priest's footsteps up to the podium.
"we are all here today to grieve the loss of Shawn Peter Raul Mendes," he went on, but my mind was purely focused on holding myself back, holding myself back from running up to Shawn's lifeless body and shaking it, waking him up from his sleep and in the process, waking me up from this living nightmare.
but i stayed seated. he continued on about Shawn's life and how precious it was, which ironically, he was never even there to experience, like most people in this room.
"now please turn your attention to y/n, the best friend of Shawn," he said, motioning over to me as i struggled to stand, my legs wobbly and my head weighing me down from all the emotions jammed and throbbing in my mind.
i stumbled up to the altar, wiping the few tears that managed to escape on my sleeve.
i reach the podium, inhaling all the shallow sorrows that filled the room. i exhaled trying to keep my breathing close.
slowly, i placed my speech out in front of me, carefully smoothing out all the wrinkles in the tattered paper. i gripped the sides of the podium, steadying myself from the feeling of passing out.
i cleared my throat and leaned forward into the microphone.
"my name's y/n y/l/n, and frankly, i don't know why i'm here,"
people gasped, taken aback by my bluntness.
"eulogies are the most depressing pieces of writing on the planet, and that's why i refuse to write one. instead of telling you how his spirit fills the room, or how he delivered joy to anyone and everyone here," i paused and breathed. "i'm going to tell you about things you may not have noticed, or appreciated about him,"
"for those of you that knew Shawn," i glanced around the room, eyeing his nonexistent uncles and flaky cousins that hadn't talked to him in years. "you do know that he loved to write songs,"
"he sang me past my fears, danced with me beyond my doubts. his quiet smile was deafening. his careful carelessness was extraordinary. he found beauty in the common,"
by now, tears were rolling down my cheeks. there was no way to stop them, only to wipe them away as they continued to fall. but i had to continue, i had to finish.
"he lived in emotional submergence, living openly and feeling deeply. he lived purely and confidently. but most importantly, he had faith and life's beautiful madness. unlike any person i've come across in my lifetime, he always knew that in the end, love would prevail,"
my hands were shaking and my palms were sweaty. i decided not to finish the cheesy lines at the end of my speech that reminded the world of his absence. i folded my paper and set my hand on top of it.
"i loved him, still do. he made me the human that i am today, and without him here, i'm not sure i will be able to love again." i stared out into the audience, unable to read their faces through teary eyes. silence consumed me.
i began the long journey back to my seat, careful not to look at his lifeless body in the open casket. i knew that i would never forgive myself if i remembered him like this.
i want to remember him like the upbeat, happy soul that he was. he deserved to be remember as so.
***
shawn's not dying on me any time soon i stg !!!!!!
-lindsey
