you & i

thirty » absolute zero

dear infinity,

maybe i should stop writing these letters. after all, i'm not even giving them to you so you can read them. but is it strange that they've become a little...therapeutic for me? i can write what i'm thinking and feeling without fear of anyone, not even you.

i still think of you far too much and far too often and far too fondly for a guy who's only just broken up with his girlfriend of over a year. i thought we were living our love and would love a lifetime, but we only barely made it past our first-year anniversary. but what a year it was. i don't know if i'm capable of loving someone else the way i love you.

i still do, you know. i know we've broken up. i know almost all we've done for the last five months is argue and fight and wear each other down. i know you've cheated on me. but for some reason, my heart doesn't care about you shattering it. it still beats for you, crying your name with every clench, pouring its love for you into my arteries, and i am still filled with nothing but love for you. i may hate you in mind, but i definitely love you in heart.

and i used to think that the heart was all that mattered.

but now i realize my heart is treacherous, reaching for the one thing i have decided i cannot have: you. i just love you too much to know when to stop giving of myself. did you know that i was the only one making an effort in our relationship?

yet i don't regret loving you. (i mean, i do because if i hadn't then i wouldn't be hurting, but i don't because you're infinity, and you demand infinite love. i'm sorry i couldn't give that to you.) what i do regret is letting you slip away. i was the tangent line to your curve, but the slope proved too steep. and the fact that we were only tangent meant that i was only meant to cross paths with you for one point on the graph, only a brief moment in time, never to connect again. i stayed constant, but you turned away.

maybe i shouldn't blame you. after all, you were only following the course that your life equation dictated to you. maybe it's my fault for being unable to adapt to your curve.

but i still blame the fact that you made no effort. that you turned away without even a glance backward. that you let our relationship be as brief as it was. maybe i didn't let you slip away. maybe it was you who decided to leave the relationship. after all, i put effort into you and me; i can't be to blame for our demise, can i?

so i can't love you. for one, i can't because you broke me and my fragile little heart that had nothing but the utmost love for you. two, i can't because we agreed not to.

right? that's what i understood from that night that you rejected me and then proceeded to break up with me at that party. (how fitting that we broke up at a party.) and i can't love you when you said you couldn't love me back so i simply couldn't love you in the first place. i definitely can't love you when you told me that we couldn't hold any feelings for other. there is absolutely no possibility for me loving you because i agreed.

but i do, my dear infinity. i love you with my entire heart, body, and soul. and i wish i didn't—i really, really do—because it would save me so much heartbreak and heartache. you can't just expect me to turn off my feelings just because you don't want them anymore.

i know i'm freaking you out, that my eyes still follow you in the hallways, that my lips still curl into a smile when i see you, that my heart still beats faster at the sound of your laughter or at the smell of your perfume. i know that i'm just being an envious ex-boyfriend when i glare down any other guy flirting with you. i know i don't have a right to be like this, but do you blame me?

after all, over a year of my life was dedicated solely to you and to loving you.

i'm trying so hard to get over you; you wouldn't even believe the things i've done. i've eaten our food at our restaurant together with another girl. i've stargazed at our spot together with another girl. i am trying so, so hard to forget the way your name feels on my tongue and the way your lips taste against mine when really, i should be focusing on the other girl beside me, the sound of her voice exhaling my name, the taste of her fruity lip balm, the heat of her breath fanning across my body...

but i am so utterly engulfed by loving you that i can't find my way out. i am too lost in the color of your eyes to even notice the ones of the girl that i'm staring straight into. i am too enraptured by the ringing of your laughter to even hear the words coming from the girl trying to ask me something. i just see you, you, you everywhere, and i'm lost, and i'm disoriented, and though i am searching for an exit, all i can find is you.

it really isn't fair, finn, that you were able to move on before it ended, while even now i'm stuck in the past. my graph has dropped off into who knows where, and i can't figure out how to keep it going.

i hate you, but i love you, but i hate that i love you. can you see how difficult it is for me to stop having feelings for you?

sincerely,

beyond

~*~*~*~*~*~

{ r e m a r k s }

Thanks for reading this far! Sorry for breaking up the Finn x Beyond ship, but I honestly couldn't see how they would work out in the long run. (I also warned you.) In any case, I'll probably upload the epigraph for step iii soon. I hope you'll enjoy step iii because while the next six chapters are not really essential to the story—in fact, each step could be read as a different story—they contain the point I was driving at throughout the entire story.

Anyway, enough rambling from me. Please vote if you've been enjoying the story and comment if you have anything to say! I'll be glad to answer any questions you have to the best of my abilities. I also have a ton of social media. (Please talk to me. I'm only awkward, I promise.)