you & i

twenty-two » cavus

dear infinity,

you still refuse to talk to me about the things that matter, and i have told you that it hurts me, finn. we're supposed to be a team, and that's hard to accomplish when we can't even be next to each other for more than five minutes to talk about anything deeper than the weather or the homework in our history class or the next party being held at someone's house.

you've shut me out, finn, and there seems to be nothing i can do to open that door again.

i do try to do so, though. i'm still trying to get you to open up to me again. i've spent my hours mulling over this in my head, yet i can't find a single solution to the problem that is the lack of communication between us and the deterioration of our relationship as a result of it. the only solutions i've found are extraneous—fitting for a more simplified version of the problem but not for the actual problem itself. while i can find answers that would momentarily bridge the gap between us, they are only crude rope bridges that are too temporary to hold long enough for us to build a permanent bridge, probably falling apart before we can even begin true construction.

i'm worried for you. your brother's been talking to me more and more and more as we've been talking less and less and less. he never breaches the topic of you anymore, but he makes sure that i'm doing well. he asks me about my classes, my home life, how i spend my time, and i always tell him that i'm fine, that i'm happy, but every time i say it, i realize more and more that i am not.

i'm not happy. why? you and i are falling apart, that's why. how am i supposed to be able to function without you, finn? i called you the only star in my sky; i named you my venus; i promised to be with you for a period of time as long as your namesake. i loved you, and still do, in the rawest form that i could, but now you're doing nothing but push me away.

i've asked if you've wanted to go on dates that i've done extensive research for, yet you insist on attending another party thrown by or for someone who i honestly couldn't care less about. i've tried to talk to you privately about things important to me and to us, yet you refuse to leave your friends' gossip circle. i've reached out in more ways than these, yet you make it a point to ignore my outstretched hand.

don't do this to me, please. don't do this to us, finn. we deserve so much more than this—you  deserve more than this. but you're the one who's causing it, and, as much as i want to do something about it, you're the only who can fix it now. i've done all i can, and your unwillingness to do the same is honestly, as much as i hate it, making me wonder if it's worth trying anymore. i don't know how much longer i can keep giving my full efforts and more into this relationship only to be met with wall after wall after wall that you've put up to keep me out.

please, finn, don't let me go thinking that our relationship is no longer worth the effort.

love,
beyond