Step-Brothers (n.s)

15 | Harry

A day has gone by and today just feels so refreshing in a way and I have no idea why I'm feeling this serenity. Maybe it's been the reason I've been focusing on myself or I haven't been conflicted in more than 24 hours. I just know that I'm feeling fine and I don't know why.
The curtains are closed but I can see the light shining through the side and in the middle where the curtain halves meet.
I'm feel quite well rested from the sleep I have just endured. Liam is sleeping peacefully in the bed next to mine.
Maybe I'm so calm from the corruption of Niall gone. I feel we both really damaged each other in a way and with him spending so much time with Louis yesterday I have yet to see him since he walked in on me with Leigh-Anne.
What I'm really dreading for is to see him again. To see how good he's doing without me. I feel the already growing lump in my throat. I haven't cried much at all lately. I really think I've been just keeping it in, not wanting to deal with my feeling as of right now.
I'm happy the state I'm in now and admitting my feeling for Niall to myself has help me come to end my conciliation. I've been fighting with myself for so long that I have decided to end my stubborn behaviour by admitting my feeling and moving on.
I want him so fucking bad, and it really hurts that I'll never get to experience anything with him.
Meanwhile with Liam, he's been holding up with me great. I know he and Louis kind of have a thing going on and haven't admitted it to me or Niall. Well I don't think neither of them admitted it to Niall, I could be wrong.
I know they want to spend time with each other and trust me I'll let them have their time together. Just right now I really need Liam.
I don't think I've ever needed someone so much in my life right now. It's nice to just have someone there to talk to about these kinds of things because I felt this way for the longest time, that I couldn't trust anyone or even someone to talk to because I was just feeling so conflicted about Niall and even Rylie.
I know Liam's been there always but he wasn't been there been there. He hung out with me during school and at parties but he hasn't been there when I fell into a little depressed stage a couple month back.
No one knows and I feel like I have forgotten all about it until this morning sitting here and thinking about the past couple days in all.
I'm a pretty lonely person and when with Samuel and even Liam it just goes away. For the first time a couple days ago I could have finally said I made it, but it tumbled down in a time span of 48 hours. I ruined mine and Louis' friendship and even worse I lost Niall when I hadn't even had him to begin with.
I'm a lonely person and I totally deserve whatever's coming my way, but for some reason I feel this prosperous. I feel like I'm doing so good that I can just smile and not hold back and I can jump around this room and just sing at the top of my lunges because I feel okay.
The thing that worries me lot out of this? Is the feeling I'll get when I see Niall again because even though we're finished. I'm still caught up with the words he told Louis and it hurts.
Even though with all my well being and happy mood things of negativity keep running through my head and yet I don't even let them get in the way because yes; I am happy.
"Hey Harry?" I look over to my right and see Liam sitting up and looking at me.
"Yes Li?"
"You okay?" He asks. I turn ahead of me and begin to think. I know in happy, but am I okay? Of course I'm okay now, but will I be in the future?
Liam is still sitting there anticipating my answer and I know me not giving him a solid answer now is adding up to him doubting me when I do answer.
"Really Li, I'm fine." I look over to him. He has his eyebrow raised and it seems I'm correct, he doesn't believe me. It's not my fault he's doubting my feelings, if me and Liam magically switched positions. I don't know if I'd believe me either.
"Okay." Is all he says. I feel like he wants to say more, but doesn't know how or what to say. He's never been in my position and I hope he never has to be. I hope no one has to experience what I am experiencing.
It may be dramatic to say, but it's true. It's painful to love someone that's in your family. It's also foolish, completely foolish for me to even think of having a relationship with him.
I stump back against the head board and close my eyes, because maybe if I'm asleep I'll forget about what Niall and I could've been.

**

Laying in bed all didn't go all to well because Gemma stormed into mine and Liam's room demanding that I get out of bed and enjoy my time here in Germany.
So here I am strolling around the city just checking out shops with my older sister while Liam is off with Louis and Niall.
I don't mind him spending time with them at all, I just wish I can.
So here I am stuck with Gemma strolling through the streets of Berlin. We haven't really done any productive today other than the fact that I got out of bed.
Gemma seems pretty ecstatic to be out with me, which is totally strange. We usually don't get along this great and really it's nice to have her as my back bone right now.
She's helped with Niall troubles in the past and she's here to help me with them again. Just this time, there much more drastic.
"Harry smile!" My sister says. She stands in front of me with a smile plastered on hers. She moves her pointer fingers to the crease of my lips and pulls my frown up into a smile.
"Be happy!" Her enthusiasm is making me want to vomit. When she pulls her fingers away from my face and my then smile is now a frown, she frowns.
"Why are you so sad?" She asks. She seems like she's really taking me seriously now. That okay I was happy, but happy in my bed. Being out here seeing people is kind of making me feel depressed in a way.
"Harry, look I'm sorry." She seems like she feel defeated. Her shoulders slump back and she runs her hands through her vigorous hair. "If your not feeling yourself, then maybe you should spend sometime to yourself and I should of listened to you."
I sigh, and turn to look at the busy people walking among ourselves. "Gem, I want to be with someone. I don't want to be alone, it's just were in Germany right now and all that's running threw my head is Niall. I don't want him to be stuck in my thoughts. I want him gone, and there's not way for him to leave my miserable life because he's always going to be there and it fucking hurts."
I can feel the tears in my eyes as I look down to my feet. I feel too belittled right now, crying here in front of my sister, in the middle of downtown. I thought I found my serenity, but it seems the closest people to you just know how to help you crack.
In a way I'm kind of glad Gemma is here making and helping me come to realizations with my feelings. I now accept to cry over this, because I know that after I let the tears fall out there will be nothing left to shed over.
Crying helps in so many way and I'm grateful for the emotion of crying because it lets out so much emotions and prosperity that right after, it's almost as if you can feel yourself breathe again.
I feel arms wrap around my lean lanky body. I nuzzle my neck into Gemma's neck and let myself fall into her, as if I'm been carrying this weight onto my shoulders and I'm finally letting myself lift off.
I thoughts I felt my serenity back then but nothing compares to feeling of the weight that's been finally lifted off my shoulder.
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I'm sorry for shortness.. Next chapter is on Niall and how he's dealing.

Don't worry bbys, they'll come together soon!!x
Love ski. X