Can't Remember to Forget You

Chapter Forty-Two

Cassie

Two days passed slowly.

Every moment of every hour I was thinking of Owen and what I had been through. I had been lied to over and over by so many people. I wanted to scream but I had to pretend everything was just fine with me so I wouldn't worry my sister. Margo has been watching me like a hawk since the night I came home so shaken up. I can understand why she is so worried, but I honestly wish that she would back off.

To be fair, she has no idea what I am really going through. I told her that Owen and I had broken up and that is why I was so upset. I had been able to convince her easily enough, I only wish I could so easily deceive myself into believing it was nothing more than a generic break-up.

It was so much more than that. I am still not sure what was true, or what was lies. I have picked up my phone ten thousand times to dial Owen's number, only to backspace it out before ever hitting send. I am so torn. I want to know the truth, but at the same time I am afraid of what the truth may be. He could tell me that he has been acting the entire time. My heart is already broken into billions of tiny fragments. I don't want to make it worse. I just can't stop myself from wondering.

I wonder if Owen is lying awake in bed thinking of me, or if Owen is lying in bed next to one of his little tarts.

I wonder if Owen keeps picking up his phone to call me too, or if Owen has already deleted my number from his phone.

I wonder if Owen's heart feels the way mine does, or if I never even touched his heart in the first place.

All I do anymore is wonder.

I am sure of one thing.

I don't ever want to go back to New York. All of my troubles started when I left here to go there and become a famous actress. That had obviously worked out so well for me the first time, why would I ever want to go back? Especially now. Now I know what kind of dangers I was involved in, what kind of people I was around. There is no chance I would ever want to go back there and just give myself up to having some other psychos getting their claws in me. I belong here.

I wander down from my room to sit out on the front porch. It is a beautiful day and the sun feels amazing on my skin.

I hear a motorcycle in the distance and I hold my breath. I have been having this same reaction every time I have heard one the last two days. I know how ridiculous it is, but I just can't stop myself.

This time though, it is really happening.

I see the sleek black bike pull into my driveway and I immediately stand up and start walking towards it.

Owen parks and gets off slowly, keeping his eyes on mine with his every move.

He pulls off his helmet and his long hair falls wildly around his face. He was wearing his usual leather riding jacket and torn up jeans.

I suddenly felt a little self-conscious and straightened out the violet dress I was wearing.

"Cassie, I..." He said stepping a little closer to me. "Can we talk?"

I took a step back. "I don't know Owen." I said just barely loud enough to be heard.

"Please Cassie." He whispered. "I just want to talk to you, then I swear I will leave you alone."

I looked at him for a long minute. I glanced back to the house, happy that Margo and the family had gone out for a while. "You can come in." I said quickly before I changed my mind. He followed me into the house and sat down next to me on the couch.

We were both watching the other with such intensity.

"I'm so sorry." He finally said. "Just let me tell you everything, the real everything, not Holloway's fucked up version." He muttered quickly. "I knew you for some time before you lost your memory. You were dating my friend Donovan, who did live with me at the time. You and I only ever spoke in passing and we were pretty much always arguing over one thing or another." He laughed lightly and I couldn't help but to smile at the sound of it. "When Donovan was killed my boss did send me to check in on you, but I swear I was supposed to get rid of you that day but I didn't. There was something about you. I know how cheeseball that sounds but it is true. You weren't at all like the girl you were before, not even close. I saw how much pain you were going through and I just had to help you." He looked down at his hands in his lap. "I swear to you I meant every single thing I said about the way I felt, well feel, about you. I gave into you Cassie. One hundred and ten percent I have been in love with you and trying to protect you." His voice faltered.

I reached out and placed my hand on top of his. "I don't know where we go from here Owen." I said to him. "I do know that I love you too." I whispered.

He lifted his soulful eyes to mine and I leaned in and kissed him quickly. It was not something I thought about or planned. I just had to kiss him because despite it all, I love him. I know he has been looking out for me. In different ways than I had even known before, but I know that he is the reason I am alive.

He brought his hands up into my hair and kissed me back hard. I started to lean into him more when he stood up and backed away from the couch suddenly. "This can't happen Cassie." He said.

"What are you talking about Owen?" I asked confused.

"What are you thinking right now?" He asked me tilting his head.

"I don't know, I am just thinking I..." I wasn't sure what answer would be best.

"I am not right for you Cassie." He said gently. "We can't."

My heart and mind were falling apart all over again. "You just said that you love me." I reminded him.

"Dammit Cassie!" He shouted. "I do love you! I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything! It is because I love you that I can't be around you." He said frustrated. "Look at what just happened to you. That is the kind of thing that happens when you date a man like me. I am no good Cassie. I won't put you through that again."

I stood up and tried to get close to him but he only backed away. "Do I get no say in this?" I asked him. "Shouldn't I be allowed to decide for myself?"

"I am telling you I can't do it." He said looking away from me. "I want to be with you Cassie, but it is too dangerous. I am even more involved now with the shit than I was before. I can't risk you. We both have to let go."

I began to cry. "I know you're right." I whimpered. "I just don't want to let you go." I cried to him.

Owen closed the space between us and held me tightly. "I never want to let you go either." He said, his voice hitching. I could feel in the way that he was breathing that he was crying too.

I know everything he is saying is the truth. I know that there can never be a future with us as long as he is involved in the things that he is, but that doesn't stop it from hurting like hell. I believe him when he says it is for my own good and that he is trying to protect me. "How am I supposed to just forget about this?" I cried weakly, holding him tighter.

"I don't know." He whispered. We held each other for a while longer then wiped our eyes and let go. "Delete my number and I will delete yours." He said. "Otherwise I won't be able to stop myself from calling you."

"Ok." I agreed.

He ran his hand across my cheek gently and leaned in to kiss me one more time.

"I love you so much Cassie." He told me. "I will never love someone the way I love you."

"Owen." I cried his name. "I don't want to do this." I admitted. "Please stay with me." I pleaded.

"Angel." He said. "If I could you know I would. I don't want to go, but I have to. I can't be responsible for causing you anymore pain. I probably shouldn't have even come here but I needed you to know I really do love you. Never doubt that."

"I know." I said.

I held onto his arm tightly as I walked him out to his bike. We hugged one more time and then I watched him climb on and ride away from me.