DONGHAE rushed back home. He couldn't come to work today. He couldn't think today. He turned on the shower and didn't bother making it lukewarm. He needed cold, painful winter water. He needed to calm down. He punched the wall and started crying.
Not again. I can't be around her if I am like this. He remembered that he promised himself that he would lock up those memories and try to look at her like a new person. Which she was, if you think about it, since she's far from the girl he held in a burning, passionate embrace. The one who left him feeling like the strongest and weakest version of himself.
“PLEASE...” her voice was cutting into the haze. He was holding something that felt like burning coals. But his hand was not stoping. He was holding burning, fair and silken skin and he didn't want to let go. He wanted to explore and discovered that he was hungry for something that he never thought he would be hungry for. So he kissed, licked and sucked all that he could to satisfy his craving. But every kiss lead to sensations, smells and thoughts that made him hold her closer, kiss her harder and moan loudly when she did the same.
“Princess...”she was supposed to be innocent. She wasn't supposed to know what to do. He knew it instinctively that he had to go slower, to touch her softly and slowly. But it was tearing him in half trying to control when in fact he was far beyond reason.
He stopped, at the dawn of innocense and forever. He kissed all the way down and wanted to kiss her there too. She was shy, instinctively trying to deny him the view. She blushed all over, he knew that about her now. So whenever she blushed, he would know, she blushes all the way there.
He touched her there with his lips, softly, tasting something the sweetest of all of God's creation. She arched her back and he was lost. All he could remember was the sound she made when she peaked and the heat that came from her when he held her again.
“Look at me.” he said. She blinked then opened her eyes slowly. “God, you're beautiful.” the alchohol was gone. The sweat that was on the sheets caried it all away. This was a different kind of intoxication. The more he sweat, the hotter it got and more aware he was of her, of what was happening between them. He was afraid, not of the things that could come or the consequences of their actions but that he would wake up and it was all a dream.
Theirs was a fire that could burn through reality and dreams. He knew, somehow that her face, just like it is now, would haunt him and he would welcome it.
“Look at me.” he said again, unsure of what to say next. So he kissed her eyes, her cheeks and then once again he was at home in her lips.
“Oppa...”he felt her arch her back again and this time there was an unbearable pain. He couldn't stop and so he asked with his eyes and his words.
“Are you sure?” he going to take what she was willing to offer. But he wanted her to give it with something other than the physical, the need to be one. He wanted her to give him more than what she was already offering.
“Love me.” was all he heard before he held her and followed her wish. He felt her buckle and he kissed her until the moan and the pain seemed to pass. He didn't move. He was scared to cause her pain.
Ninz was braver, stronger and more passionate than he ever imagined. She held unto his shoulders and moved. She gasped and he kissed her again. This time, he moved slowly inside her and guided her through the pain into the pleasure that it promised. She started to breathe fast and cry out every time he moved deeper into her. She was crying out his name and soft surprised sounds of pleasure. He sang along with her and said her name every time he breathed out. It was probably the first time a woman's name was ever spoken that many times by someone like him.
And he knew, when he peaked. That he forgot to protect her from himself.
DONGHAE woke up with a cramped arm. There was a sweet smell of lavender that was reaching his nose. He tried to move his cramped arm but was surprised when something was on top of it. He opened his eyes completely and saw brownish-black hair. Everything that happened rushed back like a bullet train of thoughts. He wiped his face with his free hand and sighed. Ninz moved closer and the sheets fell and offered him another look at the real things. “Oh dear God...” something else was waking up. He needed to calm down.
Ninz opened her eyes and she seemed like she was purring. It was a soft satisfied moan. She snuggled closer and his control needed to tighten.
“Wake up, princess.” Ninz opened her eyes slowly and then smiled.
“Good morning to you too.” she smiled the same kind of smile. But for some reason, there was something unbeliavably sexy about her smile. It's probably because he gave the reason to smile.
“What happens now?” he asked her. She looked like she didn't know what she was going to say. Donghae took it for something else. “I guess we should keep this a secret.” Donghae stood up and began to dress up. He picked up their clothes and folded them. Ninz sat up with the sheet covering her like an innocent seductress.
“Keep it a secret?” the whisper sounded astonished and grieving. Donghae swallowed when he looked at her and sat down.
“We were drunk.” he tried to trivialize it. He didn't like the feeling of not being in control. Ninz looked shocked and hurt.
“Do you want to be an idol's girlfriend then?” he sounded condescending but he didn't mean too. He had girlfriends before and they all wanted him to give them something he couldn't which was his undivided attention and all of his free time. He had a life too. He couldn't life like that. And a long-distance relationship was impossible for him to maintain. The scandal alone would be difficult to handle. He couldn't do that to their managers and handlers. Sungmin would definitely gain more antis when he comes back as someone's boyfriend.
“I...do you want to me to be?” she looked like she was going to blame him if he got the wrong answer.
“I took...” Ninz shook her head and looked at him. Her eyes were misty but alert.
“I don't regret any of it. We were not that drunk. At least I wasn't.” a rogue tear fell and he wanted to wipe it but Ninz looked at him like she would slap him if he did. Her eyes became cold and distant then hurt so fast he wanted to kick himself for not being eloquent at times like this.
“We didn't use...” she shook her head again signaling that she didn't want to hear what else he wanted to say.
“No regrets. Only memories.” Ninz stood up, no sheet this time, picked up her clothes and went to the bathroom without looking back.
Donghae looked at her back and realized, he didn't protect his heart from her.
