The End Diary - completed

Day 700 - Day 732

Day 700

Doctor Suskin wanted to take another approach, after realizing her attempt at cognitive reprogramming wasn't helping. She discussed everything with my parents, and they decided to put me back on medication to help with my dissonance with reality. It all sounded very technical and boring.

Remember? I hate terminology. You are lucky you got the first diagnosis. To be fair, I felt like that one was important for some reason, but this second one isn't. The second one isn't important, because I won't be around long enough for it to matter.

I took the first two pills, because my parents watched me do it. They wanted to make sure I was getting on a regular schedule. After that, I pretended. I flushed the rest down the toilet so no one would be the wiser. They made me fuzzy, made my head full of nonsense. For just a day, they convinced me Carly was actually gone.

What a silly thing to believe, especially since she's been here with me this whole time.

The drugs are a facade. They turn the world upside down. It wasn't fair of my therapist or my parents to ask me to take them. I never deserved to be put on those kinds of drugs.

But now the veil has been lifted, and I can see things so much clearer. Carly has been calling me nonstop, wanting me to find her. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait, because she's waiting by herself. The word alone keeps ringing in my ears, and I know it's her voice saying it. Alone, alone, alone. A broken record skipping each second of the day.

I can feel her coldness, her sorrow because she's by herself. It takes her too much effort to appear here with me, so she only visits on occasion. She needs my help. She needs my love. She can't hang on forever, I know that.

I never told her to come back for me, but she did. She wanted to come back, because she chose me. Anyone who thinks otherwise is lying to themselves and to me.

Doctor Suskin was right about this book. It will leave behind the truth. It will tell everyone everything I could never explain out loud. They'll see the world for what it is—beautiful and full of love. Carly and I were consumed by it; we still are. The truth matters. I wish it were different. I wish we had gone to California together. I wish we had this life and the next together, but it appears we only have time for the next.

That's okay. It will all be okay.

Carly left me behind so I could write our story. I'm the only one who can tell it; that's why she needed me to stay. I had to do this for us, and now that I have, I think we're finally getting closer.

Day 714

Hi, friends. We're in the now. Today is the day we catch up to the present. It feels... weird. I'm sitting here and writing to you, and now I can tell you events as they unfold. I can talk to you like we're having a normal conversation.

I wonder what Doctor Suskin would say about this? Me being "abnormally attached" to you. Would she chalk it up to another dissociative bullshit diagnosis, or would she try to justify it by saying that the trauma of losing Carly sent my obsessive behavior over the edge.

Basically, everyone loves blaming Carly. It's Carly's fault Megan's world has been spun on its head. Her disappearance changed me, made me different, created something desolate and alone.

If anything, Carly gives me hope to continue. Because I know we'll meet again soon. I know we'll figure it out together, and that's the most important part.

This is reality, Megan. Everyone says, There it is. It's right in front of you. None of them see what's really there. Carly's still here, still whispering in my ear and telling me we'll be together soon. In order to be with her, I have to sever the last connections I have to this world, and I'm not ready to do that quite yet. There are some things left unsaid. Because, friends, I can't leave you hanging, can I?

That would be unfair.

My parents want me back on the medication. They think I'll become a happy well-rounded person by taking some small pill. Whatever they gave me masked the pain I felt every single minute I was separated from Carly. The mask was nice, but it's not real.

I guess people can blame Carly for that. She did leave me sooner than she intended. We were supposed to be together forever, and she had to fight to get back to me. That's impossible, right? No one has been able to come back like her, but she's still here in ever fiber of my being. We're two strings on a harp, resonating as we wait for the other. The hum of her travels through me every day, always there.

Whatever this feeling is, it won't be fixed by medication. It doesn't need to be fixed, which is the problem. Everyone else thinks it does, but I am perfectly happy having her around.

My mom says I'm obsessed.

My dad says I can't see what Carly has put me through.

Adam says I'm a liar.

Oliver says I'm a loser.

Deirdre says I'm a lesbian.

Gavin told me awhile ago that I need to find myself. I asked him, What if I already have? He told me I needed to cling onto that feeling and fight to get myself back in full. So I'm clinging to the echoes of her, because she's the only thing that makes sense in this whole world.

My therapist says Carly wasn't perfect. She's wrong. Even from a distance, I know how perfect she is. Preserved in every way. When I reach her, whether it is tomorrow or next week, she'll wrap her arms around me. She'll whisper in my ear, "Thanks for coming. I've been waiting for you."

I'll tell her, "Sorry it took me so long. There were some things I had to finish."

We'll smile at each other. We'll kiss. We'll be happy. For the rest of our lives.

Day 732

Okay, friends, I've realized I do have a few things to add. While I want to say this is no one's fault, let's be honest: it is. It's not Carly's, it's not my parents', it's not even Adam's. And yeah, I guess I still do feel bad for the guy. He lost her permanently. I lost her temporarily. There's a huge difference in impermanence, and I feel awful knowing he's going to have to live forever without her.

But I realized I can blame someone. It's all that guy's fault. The guy who wandered unnoticed into the night. The guy who made plans to kill Carly. The guy who met up with her in preparation. The guy who must have scared her half to death by tying her up beforehand. Did I fail to mention that before?

Her death was gruesome, friends. Let's not go into it. While it was messed up, I'm going to kiss all of her wounds better. She needs to be consoled, fixed, helped. She needs me. You understand that, right? I can do this, but I need to finish what I've started.

The guy took her away from me before we could figure out our future. We were on top of the world. Carly was going to choose me over Adam, and she did eventually... It just took her longer because of that jerk.

As far as my parents go, it's not their fault, but I don't think they've helped. My parents have always seen the worst in Carly, and they never wanted me to be with her. Even with the promise of eternity together, they still haven't seen anything good about her. Maybe if they were more supportive, maybe if Carly and I could have been more open and honest, maybe none of this would have happened.

I want to say none of this matters, but it does. All of it does. That's why I wrote it down. Well, that and Doctor Suskin asked me to. Writing does help create clarity in my thoughts, and I do see it so clearly now.

So friends, I'm going to see Carly after all this time. I've planned it out. She's still wearing her black off-shoulder shirt. I'll be wearing the stupid dress we bought at the mall when I see her. We'll wrap our arms around each other and never let go.

She'll tell me I'm stupid for wearing the dress.

She'll tell me everything is okay.

She'll tell me her world is better now that I've come to rescue her.

I'll tell her, "Carly Jacobs, you are everything."

This is why most people will say it's her fault. It's not. It's my own fault. I can't do this without her, and I won't. I won't do this without her because I don't have to.

I'll be there soon, Carly Jacobs.