The End Diary - completed

Day 87

My parents were downstairs hanging out with my grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. Every year, they hosted a huge Thanksgiving dinner, but after the last few conversations I had with my folks, I couldn't manage a single happy face to greet my extended family. While most of them were okay, none of them made me want to stick around either.

I told my therapist I wasn't sure if I would cry if any of them died. She had no idea what to say, though she probably jotted down notes of how I'm a potential sociopath. I'm not, for the record. I guess I see life differently than everyone else, and there's no point in playing nice with people who don't respect me.

The noise in my house was unbearable. I gritted my teeth and threw a pillow over my head, trying to block out the laughter, clinking glasses, and plates being passed around the table. My mom had poked her head in thirty minutes ago, asking me if I was going to join the party.

No.

She had wanted me to, though. Disappointment etched canyons in her face, and I knew I had crushed her. I suppose I still feel bad about that.

I balled up my fists, feeling the light cotton sheets in my hands. I wanted to rip them into shreds and scream. I wouldn't, I couldn't... and I didn't. Sometimes I still wonder what would have happened if I had marched down to my whole family and announced things were going to change. Confess everything.

Tell them what I hadn't even told myself.

As I debated the pros and cons of screaming my lungs out, my phone rang. Normally, my parents had strict rules about answering calls when we had guests, but considering my own self-exile, I answered it the moment I saw who was calling.

"Carly," I gasped, not wanting to cry out of the sheer joy of seeing her number pop up.

"You sound weird."

I sat up and swung my legs to the side of the bed. "Do I sound like murderous rage has been running through my veins for the past week?"

"No, it's not that," Carly hummed the end of the sentence as she thought it over. "I think you miss me." Her words turned upwards in a song.

I rolled my eyes. "Totally. Going one whole day and a half without seeing you has been torture." Smiling, I pressed the phone further against my ear, as if that could condense the physical distance between us.

"How's your holiday going? Not good?"

"The whole family is here."

"Beats this." Carly paused. "My mom had to fix some paperwork, and my dad decided he needed to skip town instead of spending alone time with me. Which, hey, whatever. I'm just here. By myself. Alone." Even with her strong facade, I could hear past her words. The troubles with her dad were just beginning, and she wanted to fix it.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, one of my cousins is so drunk he told me it's cool I have boobs now."

"Gross."

"Yeah." I looked down at my chest. "I mean, I've had breasts for the past two years, but I guess he had to be real drunk to mention it to his cousin." Scrunching my nose, I continued, "Add on the fact that I'm the youngest in the family, and the only one who isn't allowed to have a glass of wine, and it's even grosser. Brandy gets to, but she's nineteen. Her parents don't care, mine do. It's stupid."

"Forget what I said earlier. I'd rather be alone instead of that."

"Yeah," I said. "I wish I were there."

"You should ditch the family and come over. I think we have some freezer-burned dinner to microwave."

"Ew."

"Yeah, you probably have mashed potatoes and the works, right? You should save me some and bring it into school on Monday."

"My dad's going to have eaten everything by then. My mom will pass out from overeating in about three hours too. She'll usher everyone out the door and crash."

"Then you should grab some leftover wine."

I laughed. "And have my parents demand I spend more time in therapy to discuss my newly formed drinking problem? No, thanks."

"Seriously, I'll take my absent mother and father over your parents any day of the week. At least I know my mom's not here because she's trying to do what's best for me. And honestly... I kind of like not having the rules ever since I met you."

"Thanks," I muttered.

"Hey, I still like you."

"Thanks?"

"That's what friends are for, right? To tell you why your life totally sucks?"

"What are you doing right now?" I asked, leaning back on my bed.

"Painting my toenails."

"What color?"

"You'll never find out," she teased.

"Is it something disgusting? Like neon orange?"

"Hey, don't knock neons until you try them."

"Okay, eighties."

"If I recall correctly," Carly mused. "You weren't even alive in the eighties, which means, I totally have permission to do my hair ridiculously big and wear mismatched colors any time I want."

"We're not friends anymore." Tears sprang into my eyes as I continued to laugh.

"Seriously," she said. "You'll never know what color my toes are right now." There was a moment where the only thing I could hear was her breathing through the other side of the phone. The noise from downstairs went temporarily silent.

Just Carly's breath and me.

I remember that moment so specifically well. The evenness of the air rushing against the phone, the slight happy tone managing to creep into the way she breathed. It was more intimate than feeling her heart beat against my ear.

"I think they look good," she said, voice light.

"Are you justifying painting your toes neon orange?"

"Maybe. If I told you, I wouldn't be mysterious."

"Megan?" My dad's voice sounded from outside my door, his footsteps coming fast.

"I got to go. See you Monday." I hung up the phone and flung it onto my desk as my dad stepped into the room.

He frowned, looking at me sitting on the edge of my bed. "You know the whole family is here to spend time with us. All of us." Slowly, he walked to my bed and sat on the other side, facing away from me. My dad did this whenever he had to have a serious talk with me; it made it easier for him if he couldn't see my expression.

"I'm not sure I like what has gotten into you since the beginning of this year." His weight made the bed sag. I leaned forward to open up more space between us. "I know things have been hard, since you've felt abandoned by your friends, but I want you to know we're here for you. Family is forever, Megan. You understand that, right? There are few things more important in life."

I tapped my foot. If family was so important, why did I constantly feel like I skirted the outside? Not only with my family, but with life. Thinking about my conversation with Carly a few moments earlier, I knew that's how life was supposed to feel. Simple, easy, as nice as a calming breath running through a phone line.

Just because we share the same blood doesn't mean we'll see eye to eye.

"Sure," I replied finally. "I'll come down in a minute. I just—"

My dad placed a hand on my shoulder for a moment. "Take all the time you need." When he left the room, I noticed how strangely cold my skin felt without his touch.