The End Diary - completed

Day 520

Four days went by with no word from Carly. She didn't meet me in the morning at our usual spot out at the picnic tables. Her locker remained deserted after school, and no one made an appearance at our lunch table—even Oliver and Adam were missing. I thought at least Oliver would show up to mock me at the loss of my friend.

Those days were the longest of my life, agonizing. I wanted to respect Carly's wishes and give her space and time. The last thing she needed was me being desperate while she was trying to figure out where she stood with Adam and me. The last thing I wanted was to make her run away.

I ate lunch alone, again. I sat at the picnic tables by myself. By day four, I went straight to the bus instead of waiting by her locker. But by day four, I couldn't take any more of her absence. Not seeing her was a constant punch in the gut. It sent me reeling every time she didn't appear.

I went to her house that afternoon, and I hated myself for doing it. I forged my mom's signature and took the bus to her apartment, just like she had done over a year ago. Adam's car had been missing from the parking lot, which meant he had probably driven her home.

Licking my lips, I marched up the sidewalk and knocked on her door. My heart fluttered in my chest as I wondered what would happen next. We hadn't discussed an end time to our break, and four days probably wasn't enough. But she had radio silence from me, and I needed to know where we stood, else I would go crazy without her.

I didn't have anyone to talk to about this. Not my parents, not my therapist, not Gavin. None of them would hear me out. She was the only one who could bring me out of the spiral of pain she had created.

I knocked again, and she finally opened the door. Her glasses perched on her face like a bird ready to take flight, and the dark color of her skin was an instant relief to my eyes. Her hazel eyes looked me over. Puzzlement crossed her face.

"Jeez, Megan, you look like—"

"Shit?" I pushed past her, brushing her shoulder on my way into her apartment. "Thanks, I know."

"I was going to say stressed, but yeah, that works too. What are you doing here?"

I sighed and turned toward her. "I need to talk to you about everything. It's kind of messed up that you just... disappeared. Not seeing you at school even in passing is weird, Carly."

"I know." She shifted on her feet. "Do you want some lemonade or something?"

"No, I don't want lemonade." I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled.

"How did you get here anyway?"

"Bus." I rolled my eyes.

"Forgery. I'm impressed." Her eyebrows lifted slightly, but lowered as another thought crossed her mind. Her skin always puckered over her nose whenever she came to a realization she didn't like. "So... even though you know I need some time, you decided to purposefully take the wrong bus to come see me with no way of getting home other than me driving you so we could talk?"

"Something like that," I grumbled.

"Megan... This has to stop."

"Why? Give me a good reason, and I'll walk away forever."

Carly looked down. "Other than needing personal space? I guess I don't have one."

"Is it because of what Gavin said at the movie theater?"

"You heard that?" Her eyes grew as she gazed at me; she seemed genuinely shocked. I put my hands on my hips and tilted my head to the side, waiting for her to give me a better reason. "Fine. It's only partially because of what Gavin said. He made me think about a lot of things... or rather, he made me realize I need to think things over." Carly leaned against the wall next to the door.

"And?" I pressed.

"And I'm not sure what I want yet." Her chest rose and fell with another deep breath and her eyelids closed for a second. "People like Gavin can't talk about us like that. If he thinks something is going on, it won't be long until other people think that as well. We need to do this for both of us. I know high school is almost over, and it won't matter once we're out, but it matters now. Right now is all we have." Her gaze shifted to me, eyes turning deathly serious.

"You're right," I said, shaking my head as I thought about it. "I don't want to go through all that crap with Deirdre again, or with anyone else." My brow furrowed. "But I need to say this, okay? I hate being apart from you, and I don't think any of this is fair."

"It's not fair." Carly ground her socked foot into the carpet. "None of it is. But I think you need to do the same soul searching as me. Figure out what you want, what you really want. Then when we meet up again, we can talk it all over, figure it out together. Okay?" She reached out her hand as if to shake.

I squinted at her and laughed, pulling her into a hug. "At least we can give each other a hug goodbye while you figure yourself out. And... well, I'll be here after you do."

"I know. You'll always be there for me, won't you?" Carly pulled back, gazing at me with wonderment. "That's something I've come to count on."