Spin For You [Peterick]

-40-

Dear Patrick,

This is the last one. 

I thought I'd never be able to live without you, and yet here I am, living without you.

I thought I knew what true heartbreak felt like. Turns out I had no idea. 

-

It took me so much thinking to end up at that final decision.

I think I knew all along what the best thing to do was. My mind had been leading me there, but I sure as hell didn't wanna go. Every single instinct I had fought against it.

I spent hours and hours just thinking. Sometimes, I'd feel like I was ready. Sometimes the prospect of letting you go didn't seem so terrifying, because I knew it was best for both of us, I knew I could do without you and you'd do a lot better without me.

But that feeling would go away as soon as you walked in the room. All I could see was Patrick, the boy I'd chased after for years, the boy I'm so hopelessly in love with. And I'd realise I wasn't ready in the slightest.

If I left, then this would all have been for nothing. These letters, they'd all be pointless, just weaving a dead-end path through my life. And then there's the obvious. The fact that breaking up with you would be like driving a stake through my heart.

There's more to this than me, though.

You were dying. Your mind was imploding. It got worse every single day. I couldn't do anything about it. 'Cause you hadn't got better. You hadn't started to talk to the others, you hadn't stopped crying yourself to sleep every night. You'd never leave my side, you'd shut out everything through me.

I think that was what made up my mind. I realised what I wanted more than anything was for you to be happy. And you can't be happy if we keep on like this.

So that was it.

I made my decision. I was gonna let you go.

I spent the rest of the tour second-guessing myself, thinking what if we didn't, what if I did this, said that, and maybe I could keep you. It felt like I had a permanent knot in my stomach, in anticipation of what I was gonna do.

It was more painful than I ever thought it would be.

I decided that the night of the last show would be the best time to do it. Or, the least disrupting time for everyone else. We were going on a break anyway, we all knew that, so the managers and stuff were prepared for us to go our separate ways after the show. Andy and Joe knew I was gonna do it, they kept giving me reassuring glances and pats on the back. I think they were kinda relieved, to be honest. Relieved for me, at least. And worried for you.

You didn't know anything. You didn't know that I'd booked separate hotel rooms for me and you, because we wouldn't be spending the night together. You didn't know that this was the last day I could kiss you, could hug you and hold you.

I made the most of every second.

Backstage, we sat listening to the hum of the crowd as they waited for us.

You were in the dressing room, your head in your hands.

"...Patrick, please, just one more show. Just two more hours, and that's it." I begged you, after you'd refused to set foot on that stage.

"No."

"Please, baby, this is the last one for...uh...for a while, come on, we've done soundcheck, everything's ready to go, all you gotta do is go out there and sing."