Spin For You [Peterick]

-13-

Hey fucktard,

Nice going dude, well fucking done. You're even more stupid than I thought!

She's moving in with you. Moving in. Like, into your house. With you.

I helped you find that fucking flat. I was the one who persuaded you that you were ready to move out of your parents house and grow the fuck up. I've been living on my own for years now, it's not hard. I even showed you where the best ones were, picked out the ones I thought you'd like and took you to see them, taught you about how renting works and taxes and stuff. It was one of the things that helped me get better, having a thing to do, a purpose. Made me feel like I was repaying you for everything you'd done for me.

We had a moving in party and everything. I'd stopped being angry at you because of her, I'd decided to take Joe's advice and try to get over you. We all helped you move all your stuff out, even carried it up all those fucking stairs. Finally, we got everything in its place, and brought you some extra furniture so the place didn't look so empty. You smiled so much that day.

Then you stopped smiling. We had all been so over-excited for most of the afternoon, maybe because we'd got a load of the songs for the record sorted the day before, or possibly because of that massive bottle of Coke that Andy brought to give us 'energy', which it certainly did. Either way, we were so wrapped up in which cupboards were big enough to fit a human in that we didn't notice as you started to laugh a bit less. As we all took turns making 'carpet angels' on the floor in the nearly empty bedroom, we hardly even noticed that you just perched on the bed, knotting your fingers together.

Your parents turned up later in the day, they were all tears and hugs because they actually love you. It was strange seeing parents who were sad to see their son leave. Mine couldn't wait to be shot of me. They said things like don't forget to call us every day, and come visit us at weekends, and if you need anything sweetie just say the word. You just hugged them and told them not to worry and of course you'll call and thanked them for everything. You put on such a good show. When they left, the show ended.

You closed the door slowly, waving them off for as long as you could. Then you turned to us, your gaze taking in all the new space, all the empty space, like you were seeing the place for the first time. The sugar rush was wearing off now, and it was obvious how utterly petrified you were of being alone. You sat down on the sofa, a red puffy thing we'd picked up for you at a yard sale, and closed your eyes for a long time, as if praying that when you opened them, you'd be home again. But this isn't the fucking Wizard of Oz.

I was going to offer to stay the night, just to help you get used to the new place a bit, but I only got about halfway though that sentence before Joe gave me a death glare. You would've said no anyway.

So we all gradually left. I say gradually, I mean Andy left, then Joe dragged me out the door with him. I could see you were trying so hard to be strong, to be okay with this, and I wanted to tell you that it's fine that you're not okay, that this is a big thing and it going to take some getting used to, but I didn't. There's a lot of things I want to tell you, but probably never will. When you reached for the door handle to let us out, I saw your shaking fingers, when you said goodbye to us, I heard your voice crack the way it does when sobs are gathering in your throat. I wanted so badly to be the one to stop you feeling lonely.

But now she's the one.

And the fucking stupid thing is is that we all know why you asked her. It's not because you love her, it's certainly not because she loves you, it's because you're a coward. You can't be alone, you can't face actually growing up, you have to have someone to look after you. I kinda wanna punch you for being such a goddamned baby the whole fucking time. You think it's leading somewhere, that maybe you'll end up happy and in love and get married and have kids and it'll all be happy. That's what everyone thinks the first love will be like. But it never is. And you don't even know.

Let me make this crystal clear: She. Does. Not. Like. You. You're making a massive mistake, and you will regret it soon. I may hate what I did to you that night ages ago but I stand by what I said. She's gonna eat you up alive, and I won't stop her.

So to summarise, you can take your new flat and shove it up your fat ass, you stupid little shit, and don't you dare come crying to me when that whore of yours rips up your heart and makes you eat the pieces.

Fuck off, dickhead.

From Pete