destruction

advil and alcohol don't mix well

                         apparently advil and alcohol don't mix well. 

my stomach was spinning and i couldn't stop coughing up blood. i had already been over the toilet for hours. every time i start to calm down it comes back.

 my kidneys were slowly shutting down. 

like i said before, one step at a time.

 zac was always up my ass. every step i take has questions following. 

who knows where julian is anymore. even after the passive tears i still miss him. he can always make things better. i had this little bit of hope that he was going to come back soon. 

but soon can mean a lot of things. he will be back soon though, i'm sure of it.

i hadn't been out of the house in a while and i was becoming a vampire. the slightest bit of light shining through my window burned my eyes.

 i decided it would be nice to stop by the gas station to pick up a few things. i didn't want to waste gas or money so i walked. the nearest gas station was right by the diner julian had showed me that morning. i didn't know the date or time but seeing how dead the streets were i assumed it was already the weekend. 

my dad and i used to get coffee here every morning before school. it was always crowded with businessmen and/or teenagers. today i was the only one in line. i picked up a pack of cigarettes and a new lighter for the heck of it. i gave my last bit of change to the cashier and headed on my way. 

as i got to the house i noticed carlie's car out front. i looked myself up and down a few times, then made a decision to not introduce myself today. 

my hair was a mess and i had been wearing the same flannel and sweatpants for over a week. 

i love embarrassing my brother at times, but this would have to wait.

i sneak around the house and head towards my spot in the woods. i lit a cigarette while on my way to pass the time.

 for some reason it seemed further than usual. 

my legs were shaking and my lungs were tired. my breath smelled of blood. 

every ten steps i have to stop and cough up a few body parts before i can walk again.

 the cigarette wasn't making it much better so i left it in the dirt. 

i spot the hammock hanging from two trees and feel relieved that i had made it alive. i come to a complete stop when i see a figure lying in the hammock. 

as i slowly move closer i step on a branch and he spots me. 

i should've known he would be here; at my spot. 

i expected some reaction but he continued to swing back and forth while humming a tune to himself. part of me wanted to walk away. the other part of me wanted to curl up beside him and forget the world for a bit.

"i know i don't deserve anything from you right now," he admitted. "but can we just get high in a hammock together?"

my legs started to walk towards him without my permission.

 i wanted to stop myself but then again i didn't. i was still feeding money to the ride even after everything. but for some reason i knew it was supposed to happen.

he pulled me down beside him and buried his head in my jacket.

he was breathing heavily. i run my hands through his hair while humming softly.

i could feel my throat burning and my stomach twisting - it was happening again. 

i lean over and start coughing. blood dripped down my shirt and onto the forest floor.

"what have you gotten yourself into?" he demanded.

i sat back up and and relaxed beside him. his eyes got tense. he wasn't going to let me change the subject.

"i promise i'll explain later." i coughed back the tears, "right now can we just forget everything and not think?"

he gives me a kiss on my forehead as i bury myself into his chest. 

julian pulls out a blunt along with a small lighter. we pass it back and forth while continuing to swing.

i hadn't been high since that night. 

to be completely honest i had expected it to be the last time. i am so glad it wasn't. i needed this; we needed this. 

it was so nice to feel as if there are no worries. 

every once in awhile i could hear julian laugh to himself. i wanted to ask what was on his mind, though i knew he most likely didn't know either. 

everything that runs through his mind is a mystery.

this was after all my one and only fairytale. everything is in perfect sync. 

it is almost as if someone had put a filter over the world and made it all more cheerier. 

as hours went by i started slowly coming down. my eyes were getting heavy. my thoughts from only moments ago had disappeared into thin air. 

i feel my conciseness leave as i slip into oblivion.

~~~

julian disappeared that night a little after i drifted off - same as usual. 

i woke up in the middle of a rain storm. 

my clothes were soaked. 

i raced home as quickly as i could. 

carlie's car had shipped out, however julian was still home. i race past him to get to my bedroom. i quietly shut my door, took my shoes off, and relaxed in bed. 

there was something beneath me. i pulled out a small piece of paper with a note on the inside. 

i quickly opened it then knew exactly what it meant. 

julian had once explained to me how much he enjoys listening to radiohead. there was a certain song that he liked more than the rest. 

i walked over to my record player to see an old vinyl sitting in the player just waiting for me to take a listen. i placed the tone arm in it's place then jumped onto my bed. 

i could feel chills running down my spine. 

the sound was different than what i'm used to listening to. i listen to plenty of sad songs throughout the day, however this one had a different kind of effect.

 my mind shut off and i disappeared.

maybe that's how you disappear completely.  

____________________________________________________________________________________

i really want a hammock. 

and please do not ever try mixing alcohol with advil 

it may seem fun but i swear to you it's not pleasant 

how are you liking it so far?

any idea what's going to happen next? 

where do you think julian keeps disappearing to? 

leave me comments and i'll be sure to reply!

xox