Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 6

"What do you mean?"

I mean that it makes me sick to my stomach that after everything I have done, after the way I let Jess down, after I humiliated her publicly and broke heart and her trust in the worst possible way, that I know she wouldn't ever try and get revenge. I just know she won't.

"Never mind," I mumble.

I don't have the energy to argue this out anymore. I don't have the energy for anything anymore. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of feeling miserable.

I'm tired of missing Jess.

"I'm not letting this go, Harry," Karen warns. "It's my job to maintain your image. I'm not having the entire world blasting you for one mistake. You're only human. People would do well to remember that."

It's ironic, really, when she's treating everyone like puppets.

But just as I know Jess won't sell her story, I also know Karen won't let this drop until she gets her own way.

....

When I get back home that evening, Mum is already there. She has made a lasagne and I can smell it the moment I walk in the door. She gives me a huge hug when I enter the kitchen, and I tell her everything about my meeting with Karen and Jess.

"Are you certain Jess won't go public?" Mum asks, as she spoons lasagne onto our plates.

"Positive," I reply, and she nods thoughtfully.

"I do think you have unresolved feelings towards her," she says softly, and my heart jumps painfully.

"I don't want to talk about it," I tell her.

I can't think about it anymore. Jess is out of my life now, for all the right reasons. I can't dwell on the past any longer. I'm on the verge of making myself ill.

"You know where I am if you change your mind," she says, squeezing my hand gently.

I'm lucky to have such a supportive family.

Mum stays at my house until Friday morning when I leave for Oslo. She gives me a kiss and a hug, and tells me to call her anytime, day or night, if I need to talk. I'm feeling a bit better, because I have forced myself not to think about what happened, and focussed on everything else around me instead. I have three more European dates left, and then I will be flying straight to the US to spend a week acclimatising before the tour schedule resumes in San Diego.

We land in Oslo and I meet my old friend Jack for lunch. We have a good catch up, reminiscing about our childhood and laughing about the pranks we used to play when we were kids. It's another welcome distraction from Jess, and it feels good to be smiling again.

The show in Oslo goes well, and I think of Jess as I make the crowd do the sex noises and scream OH YEAH! I can feel Niall's eyes on me, and when I finally look at him he gives me a quizzical look, probably wondering why I am torturing myself by sharing mine and Jess's private joke, but I give him a shrug. In a weird way, I like that these memories are still very much a part of me, and I enjoy sharing them on stage. It's an opportunity for me to think about her in a happy way, instead of wallowing in self pity.

We fly back to London after the show, and it's the early hours of the morning again before I fall into bed. I text Grimmy when I wake up to see if he is free later, but he's going out for some drinks with some people I don't know, and I don't really feel in the mood for socialising in a big group. I end up driving over to Gemma's flat and watching Friends repeats with her until past midnight and deflecting questions about my love life.